Originally posted in June 2015
It’s sunny and beautiful out, and I can’t bear it. It’s a day to go out and enjoy the world, and I just want to hide. Yesterday was so much easier, it was grey with drizzly rain.
Now I understand something about why I have such a hard time with beautiful days. I thought that I “ought” to go out and enjoy the beauty, but I couldn’t because of some stupid narrow reason of my own, and I got angry at myself to not being able to do it. Today I see that I did really want to go out and enjoy it, but it was just too painful because I was so dark inside. The darkness was not who I am or what I chose but how I was wounded.
After breakfast. Walked Mocha (the name finally given to my new dog) around the loop. Came back breathless and terrified. This is called “getting triggered” by a bright beautiful day. I can’t think of any reason why, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not triggered, it means that the reason is far back and buried in the non-verbal part of my psyche.
Sitting here looking out at my beautiful woods, I think of the survivors of Chernobyl looking at the forests they love but can never again go into because they are filled with radiation.