from my journal for Thursday, June 22
Dear Inner Teacher, I desperately need some help.
Dear Jenny, you are so hard on yourself. You are harder on yourself than you are on anyone else. And you judge yourself without mercy. This is why it’s hard for you to feel the mercy of god. Dear Jenny, you have some wonderful strengths and talents, and many deep wounds. You have done an enormous amount of work in your life, trying to heal, struggling to use your talents despite severe wounds. Yes, we spirits gather round you, we love you and admire you for the work you have done. We also have tremendous compassion for your struggle. You need to find some compassion for yourself.
Thank You. I remember how I always have compassion for people who are having a hard time. But it’s so hard to do it for myself. I have a sense that my life has been one long battle between the fierce one who wants to use her talents, and the wounded one who just wants to rest and do nothing.
3rd cup. coffee. So walking Mocha, I tried to have a dialogue between our different ideas of where to go. And I tried to have a non-verbal conversation between the wounded one and the feisty one.
Feeling confused and overwhelmed. Let’s try a dialogue:
Wounded jenny: I am just too tired to try to give the gabapentin to Mocha, and I’m not sure it’s a good idea. I need to talk to Dr. Fisher.
Feisty jenny: You’re too tired?
W: actually I’m feeling scared and clumsy. Afraid I’ll do it wrong.
F: it can’t be that hard. It’s not like giving a shot.
W: I think what I need is validation not advice.
F: oh! right. I’m not really good at that. You’re feeling clumsy?
W: yeah. I feel shaky and weak. Sometimes it comes on when I walk Mocha.
F: It sounds like a tangle, hard to unravel the threads. I wonder if I’ve just bullied you through in the past. I remember when Erica was upset that you went to see Kendal alone. She thought you should have had support.
W: I don’t remember even being consulted about that one. I must have been dissociated.
F: I have to remember you do that. You’re not in charge, you’re triggered.
W: that’s right. That’s one of the effects of trauma.
I remember when I got scared writing big checks for the construction of Neskaya. I sat myself down and reminded myself that I really do want Neskaya to happen. Then I could make myself write the check even tho scared.
F: so don’t you really want to show Sacred Sites?
W: I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake. I’ve already made a couple of mistakes this morning.
F: disastrous ones?
W: Well — not really.
F: I think you’re much too hard on yourself.
W: You’re a fine one to say that to me!
F: You have a point. But my criticisms are not that you’ve made a mistake, but that you haven’t stood up for yourself. I can see that anger doesn’t work so well with you, encouragement is better.