This should have been posted right after my description of following Tosha Silver’s process, which I called The Real Universe. But I didn’t know what to say after saying that my attempts were “horribly unsuccessful.” Then I got distracted by Mocha’s trouble, and I stopped trying to hand my life over because it clearly wasn’t working. But I need to publish this explanation.
Written in June 1996:
But mostly my experience of the universe is that it’s at best unhelpful, at worst malicious, that it’s set me some hard and difficult assignment, refused to give me help with it or even make it clear what the assignment is, it has some expectation of me that I keep failing to fulfill, it’s just waiting to punish me badly for every mistake and sneer at my attempts to do something “good”, to make something “beautiful”. Well, I see that I’m not describing the Universe at all, but my childhood experience of Mom & Dad, where I kept failing to satisfy their expectation, and got no help or guidance at all, just sneers and invalidation when I ran into trouble. I can’t believe that the Universe is like this. Surely the One who made daffodils is capable of more compassion and support than that. It seems like I’ve got so entirely caught in the world conditioned by my parents that I’ve completely lost my sense of some bigger wider universe, where compassion and support and abundance are available, and especially support for being one’s “big self”, living one’s big life, really using and living out of one’s creative power and strength. I see how afraid I am of being punished and abandoned if I dare to live out of my real power. Gosh that makes me mad! Something showed up in my dream — I am being restricted by my parents’ “post-hypnotic” suggestion to live the kind of life that would have made them comfortable, not the kind of life my soul is capable of.
This is what I’m experiencing again, as I’ve been trying to follow Tosha Silver’s advice. It’s a version of “Let go and let God,” or “Thy will be done.” Letting my life live me rather than me being in charge. But my attempts to live that way have been horribly unsuccessful. It’s almost funny if it weren’t so painful. In this writing from 1996 I clearly don’t trust god. I think that, for reasons I don’t fully understand, when I tried to follow Tosha Silver’s advice to surrender to the Divine, it didn’t work. She says “Let things happen as they are meant to” which is a little like “I offer myself to this process,” no “god”language. I’m afraid the God language conjures up that “Capricious, Malicious, and Willful” being based on Mom. So of course I don’t trust that being.
A friend suggested I was trying to control what was happening. That made me feel horribly uncertain. I know I was trying consciously to “surrender,” but there may have been an unconscious agenda. If that was true, no wonder the process didn’t work.