From my journal for June 3, 1996, and posted in May 2010:
But the truth is, going over the whole thing in detail again again, writing down exactly what the fear feels like and then seeing how it matches my childhood, results in me feeling much less fearful, much more stable, seeing beyond the shoulders of my parents’ shadows to the possibility of a real Universe, big enough, wild enough, creative enough, compassionate enough, to meet my Soul’s need.
I hardly can believe that I wrote that so long ago, while I was in a state of hypervigiliance from the bad experience on Paxil. I wasn’t yet on an anti-depressant that worked, I had no idea about the trauma, and yet I was able to state exactly what my life is about: the search for Truth, for that real Universe.
Today, after reading the Tosha Silver book called Outrageous Openness, I felt how easy it was to hand everything over to the Divine. After all, I’ve been able to say “Thy will be done,” for quite a while now with great relief at handing whatever it is over to a being larger and wiser than I. She calls the One she relies on “Divine Beloved.” That name helps give me a sense of a big friendly universe.
Here are some quotes from Outrageous Openness:
Page 58
Life changes radically if you know you’re a conduit for what wishes to happen as opposed to the one making it all occur.
Use me, whatever I have to give, for the highest good. Just let me be helpful and contribute my all.Page 71
Let what wants to come, come. Let what wants to go, go.
If it is mine it will stay. If not, whatever is better will replace it.”Page 93
I’m moving from a place of ease and effortlessness, allowing things to happen as they wish to happen.Page 114
Let things happen as they are meant to, in the highest way for all involved.
Divine Order always brings the right solution at the right time. You learn to relax and follow the cosmically ordained route when it appears. You won’t miss it.
I think of how the Universe guided me to Stonehenge, and how astronomy and the sacred calendar and folk dance and Stonehenge were all there in that year I graduated.
I also see Neskaya as the result of this process. In 1994 I wrote: “Understanding that we are building a cathedral allows me to let go of the money, be willing to spend what we have to. I have just the barest hint that this is god acting through me and therefore correct, but it’s confusing because all I have to act on is the inner sense of knowing or wanting or willing, but no outer sense that I am pleasing some great being “out there” who really wants this done.”
In March 2022, I’ve been reading Cynthia Bourgeault’s book, The Wisdom Way of Knowing. She describes a process she calls “being a midwife for the Divine.” It’s similar to Tosha Silver’s process. I see that it also describes how I made possible the creation of Neskaya.
That big, wild, creative and compassionate Universe I described in 1996, turns out to be the REAL THING.