It’s been tough, trying to negotiate this terrain of the ending of my relationship with Bella. It occurs to me that I will continue to have a relationship with her spirit, but I will badly miss the furry object who sits warm against me as I write. I’ve had good days and bad days, and days of low-grade sadness which are the hardest to get through. Karen’s help yesterday allowed me to open this amazing door to self-love. There was a piece of writing in Resource 2009, where I’m listing good things people have told me, that I contemplated publishing and immediately got scared. I told Karen I was afraid people would think I was conceited. Karen said the conceited piece was more in how it was offered, than in the actual words said. It’s also true that mother tried to kill my enthusiasm for sharing things I was excited about. That had nothing to do with “thinking I was so great” which is what mother called it.
Karen reminded me that it was OK if I could only enjoy something a little. Caryn keeps reminding me to rebuild the resource incrementally. This needs to be a practice, allowing a little bit to be enough. I see that I make it black-and-white — I have to take it all in, or it’s not good enough. Even a tiny bit — of resource, of enjoyment, of taking in love — is good enough.
There, there, dear. and I put my arms around Jenny to comfort her for a life of such struggle. Some of it she creates herself, but I love her anyway. She was so badly wounded, and she works so hard. God bless her. And I do love her, hugely. Wow. That feels so good. My heart feels relaxed and warm. Yes, dear, you are a good person, who does much good in the world, but that’s not why I love you. I love you because you work so hard to heal, and don’t use your wounding to hurt other people. You long to give the gifts you have, of understanding, and wisdom, and how glorious is the universe that we live in. I wish you had more opportunities to share these good things, and you are doing your best to find/create them.
To hold myself in love. What an amazing feeling! I feel both loving and loved.