(Written in July 2009)
I think of Elizabeth’s letter to me [10/25/05] where she talks about my commitment, my vision and my generosity. I remember when I first read it, I had a wonderful feeling of “I’ve done it. I’ve become the person I want to be.” And relief — I don’t have to keep trying so hard. But it faded. The conditioning that I’m not good enough is so strong and deep. I’m thinking of listing all the good things people have said to me, and reading them over and over. People have suggested that I do this, but I haven’t really taken it seriously. So:
Rosie saying I’m authentic
Someone in a group at Kripalu saying I’m authentic
Karen: “You’ve done the hero’s journey”
Becca last night, her gratitude for Neskaya
Dancing the sun up at Kripalu — “It was so beautiful – it changed my life.”
Meaghan: “Thank you for teaching me I could learn to dance”
Jane Shapiro blown away by my dancing, my picking up a wasp
Iona saying how beautifully I danced Elohai
Beverly saying I enact my love by embodying truth
I have to find that one, it’s in this year’s journal. I can find a lot of these in my journal and make another document. It’s feeling good to write it all down, I still feel odd but warmer and more solid. Then momentary thought — I’m being conceited — NO! I’m letting myself see and feel my real worth. What if I really got it that I’m a good person doing good things in the world? Would I swagger around bragging? Would I get lazy and stop doing things? NOT AT ALL. I would be able to relax. I would stop pushing myself. I would stop making myself wrong and being angry at myself for being not good enough. I might even have more energy for the things I love to do: decorate and care for Neskaya, teach dance programs.