(Written in January 2009)
Feeling pretty bleak. I didn’t come out of it yesterday until women’s group. I felt like a child, thrust into an adult situation, and expected to act like an adult, and I haven’t a clue how to do it. After check-in Randi brought out a card game and we had fun and laughed a lot.
I see that I need more ordinary contact with people, I need to be doing things that a child might enjoy, ordinary things with ordinary people. Kayla said my presence helped her cook supper for both of us. I was able to work on the dance data base — that at least occupies my mind enough so I feel OK while doing it.
It’s taking everything I’ve got just to get through the day: to cook and eat meals, walk the dog, shop & deal with mail; anything more is beyond me. I’m just hanging on, I’m not getting better. At least I can see that I’m doing better than I was back in December. But I’ve lost the hope of getting better which is something that enabled me to keep going. I’m scared and discouraged at the prospect of a long slide downhill, of finding it harder and harder to take care of myself as my physical energy wanes. Well, at least I’m reaching out and I do have some friends to help me. And again, I’m projecting linearly from current reality — anything could happen: the stock market could recover, someone could appear who would be ideal for living with me and taking care of me, I could die quickly when the time comes.
Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m having a very hard time. I’m feeling a level of despair that’s a little scary, it feels like there’s no point in going on. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, your feeling that there’s no point is an old old feeling. It comes out of the reality of being left alone when you were unable to get your needs met. It is no longer true. Letting yourself feel it, being there for the traumatized baby, is how you heal it. And despite feeling so deeply discouraged and despairing, the truth is that you do go on. You have gone outside, cooked & eaten meals, washed dishes. You came out of it for a while yesterday, you were able to feel comfortable with your self. This is the reality of your life, of your life energy, of who you really are. The feelings of despair come from something that happened to you, they are not the reality. Let yourself see the terrified despairing baby that you were, and then scoop her up and hold her gently and firmly. There, there, little one. It was not OK what happened to you. You deserved to be held and comforted and guided, loved and supported, and you got too little of that positive nourishing. There, there, little one, you will come through this. You are engaged in a healing process, and you will heal.