Somatic Experiencing

(Written in May 2009)
The session with Caryn started with me feeling my butt as very solid and heavy. I need the safety of this corner and Caryn’s physical presence to feel it so deeply. As I stayed with it I could feel the heaviness climbing up into my thighs and lower torso and I had an image of heavy dark flakes settling down into the bottom of some container. Staying with the image, I could feel the heaviness begin in my hands & feet too (they were down & close together). There was lots of subtle discharge as I stayed with the dark heaviness in my butt. Sometimes a little voice would pop up & complain “This takes too long, I want to get through it fast.” I made a gesture with my arms. Caryn said “Is that what your body wants to do?” I checked, and that was my head. My body pushed back against the corner and straightened up a little. Then it became more comfortable to be with the discharge and with the resource. Caryn liked how I gave voice to those impulses. When I was really solidly with the heaviness in my butt, I began to feel like the top of a carrot, a big fat root that went deep into the earth.
Then I told her the story of losing it after the Maypole. She slowed me down — when did you first realize it wasn’t working for you? Well, not that morning (tho I was depressed) but I was wanting to celebrate this ancient festival. I think the first moment was when I was trying to help the little girls put on their flower wreaths. Last year there had been adults helping, this year I was alone. Caryn suggested I could have asked for help. So I asked for help — but from that frantic place — eyes wide open, hands splayed, back arched. She asked me to go back to the resource and then ask. Ah yes, much more grounded and solid, my voice sounding like I have the right to ask.
In the session before I had said “I want my life back.” Caryn asked if I really wanted it back the way it was. No, I would also want to have this more accurate perception of my limits, and the ability to ask for help. What I wanted back was the sense of confidence I had a year ago, the sense that life was meaningful and that I had something of value to offer.
I told her about my difficulty saying “No” to someone. Caryn stopped me & had me feel in my body what it’s like to be the one who feels she can’t renege on something she said she’d do. I nearly fell apart over that, that belief is so deep, part of my identity, my integrity.
I told her how I had stood up to another friend when she said “Maybe you should do it so you can see that you can do it…” and I said “I know I can do it, but right now I don’t have the energy. It takes everything I’ve got just to survive. I don’t have enough help.” So I had actually made a huge transition from failing to see my limits on Friday to standing up for them on Sunday.