(Written in April 2009)
Laura asked how we transform feelings by using the dance. It sounded like both Jan and Laura have a way of sending negative energy into the ground through their feet, Laura then invokes the energy of the earth. She says negative emotions can be turned into energy which is neutral & can be used for positive action. This all sounds unbelievably far beyond me at the moment.
I feel so inadequate to be participating in this training, and I feel like I’m not at all ready for any kind of initiation. What do I need? What do I want? I need to be healed from some very deep old wounds, and the only thing I know that works is Somatic Experiencing — although the grief work does seem to be making a difference as well.
I feel so much grief and anger that I haven’t been able to participate and enjoy these days with this group of women. I’m afraid the anger is directed at myself — for not being stronger, or more courageous, or something. Laura says we can make a choice — but I don’t see any choices, or only limited ones. I can, and do, choose to be present to my experience, I can and do choose to extend compassion to myself in my suffering. I don’t see how to turn depression and terror into positive energy for living.
This morning I was saying how bad I felt that I wasn’t able to participate more and Laura said “You are present with your vulnerable broken heart, and you are taking care of yourself, and you are a model for all of us.” Her support has helped a lot. This morning she suggested I do floor work while the rest did “Middle Eastern Garden.” I also tried to let my grief soak out of my heart into the earth. Feeling better this afternoon.