(Written in January 2009)
Driving over to Montpelier I had a wave of discouragement: “Why am I doing this? What’s the point?” and I started to brush it aside, and then I thought it was worth looking at seriously. I go on because I believe that my life has meaning, that there’s something I came here to do, and I want to be in touch with it. I want to live my life from that place, not from the depressed place. I don’t believe that what I feel right now about myself and my life is true, that my life is meaningless, that I am worthless.
I have a life that is true, meaningful and worthwhile
I am not in touch with that life right now
I don’t know what to do to get back in touch with it.
I am willing to let go of the things that aren’t working
I am open to trying new things
I ask for help from all the beings who are willing to help me.
I think I must be exhausted from a lot of bad nights and possibly struggling with the fear/nausea. Certainly yesterday was much easier – saw Karen, came back and did Nia at about 30% — it felt fine.
Karen talked about giving myself time & space to recover from what has been a very bad time. So instead of seeing my puzzle, solitaire, reading etc as a “useless” holding action, I can see it as a convalescence, allowing healing, renewing, recovering to happen on the deep invisible levels. Trying to move forward will have to wait until I’m feeling much more solid.