Healing

(Written in August 2009)
Karen was helpful. I’m beginning to tease apart the triggered state and the reality of my life now. Driving over I had that sense of tunnel vision that I see as being a clue that I’m dissociated. Paying attention, I notice that it’s like my whole body is in a cylinder that’s restricting, that’s trying to make me be smaller. It reminds me of the way I walk that Caryn demonstrated. I’m beginning to see that the sense of urgency that I feel — got to DO something — belongs to the state itself and not to reality. So I’m more able to just be with the state itself — tho it’s uncomfortable and unpleasant — trusting that it will eventually end. Certainly this morning I’m much better, tho a little tired and sad.
Reading over 2007 to look for affirming passages, reminded me that I actually had a lot of time feeling good about myself and my life. What’s different now is that I’m including the traumatized baby as part of me, and part of my life. Then, I saw the “real me” as the radiant priestess, now I see the “real me” as including the traumatized baby, and the “tough little drip”, the whole committee, “this little group of jennys, bless them.”