I have been having a very hard time because I haven’t been able to sleep unless I take a drug, which I’ve now taken for almost a month, and shouldn’t take for very long. But if I don’t take it, I don’t sleep at all, and that leaves me with a brain barely functioning and too tired than to do more than get food for myself and the dog, and walk the dog. Even taking the medication, I do fall asleep, but I wake up still tired and find it hard to get going in the morning. Even with this much sleep, I still can’t do much more, though I have managed to get some practical things done.
Notes from my journal for Friday, May 10
I have been feeling so sad. Part of it is reading Green Dolphin Street — Marianne is in pain because William loves Marguerite, Marguerite in pain because Marianne helps when his father dies, William seduced in China, loses his place in the Navy, has to stay in New Zealand. My heart hurts.
Also hurts because I’m too tired to do anything meaningful, my mind simply can’t connect with Spirit, I feel cast out.
Saturday, May 11
So tired. So discouraged. Realizing that I can’t think well enough to deal with the cell phone even though I’m paying something like $60 a month for it. The song in my head is the Lower Lights — “some poor fainting struggling seaman, you may rescue you may save.”
I got the cell phone several months back, but my friend who was going to help me has a husband with Parkinson’s and she’s needed to spend a lot of time with him. The phone does not work properly, and I simply haven’t been able to deal with it. First because of having breast cancer, and then this sleeplessness.
The Lower Lights is a hymn that we sing when we do the informal Hymn Sing on Tuesday nights. Often asked for by a man who was in the Navy.
I guess I’m the “fainting struggling seaman.”
I started reading Marcelle Martin’s book at bedtime. The book talks about getting in touch with Spirit, allowing Spirit to guide you, etc. I’m having such a hard time right now even feeling the presence of spirit. I try to pray but it’s difficult and painful. There was a time, not that long ago, when I felt in touch with both Jesus and Julian of Norwich. But now, I can’t feel either of them, and when I pray “May I beheld in lovingkindness” I don’t feel anything. So it’s back to “I choose to trust that the Universe is alive and intelligent and holds us all in compassion.” I can say it, but I don’t feel anything. back to the Lower Lights…
Part of my difficult praying or getting in touch with Spirit is my brain not working properly because of too little sleep. I am feeling very lost, and despairing, and totally without support.
If this post is a confusing jumble, it’s a perfect reflection of my life at this moment. In fact I feel like I don’t have a life. I’d rather be dead, but I can’t do that to Mocha.