The combination of early trauma and the possibility of cancer has been totally disruptive. I have been having a very hard time sleeping. At least three nights when I didn’t sleep at all, and most nights waking at 2 or 3 and not sleeping after that. I am exhausted and finding it very hard to function. This has been going on since the beginning of March.
After another night of no sleep at all, I gave in and took some Melatonin two nights ago. I did manage to sleep most of the night. Last night I did the same thing, but was awake before 3:00. So I am barely functional.
This morning the song in my head was Meg Barnhouse’s song about Julian of Norwich, All Shall Be Well.
This was the best version I could find of the original quote. Go down to the last day. Something I didn’t realize until now is that the words aren’t Julian’s, they are what she heard God say.
From my journal for April 11:
Walking Mocha outside, light rain, looking at grass and trees. I thought briefly about the political idiocy and the wars, and then I saw very clearly that that wasn’t reality and reality was good. I can’t explain it better than that, but it still feels clear.
From my journal for April 12:
Then there was that odd realization while walking the dog. I think it was a variation of the goodness beyond goodness. Unable to put it into words. I suspect it was my True Self acting. I have been calling on True Self to be with me. Maybe it worked.
From my journal for April 13:
The song in my head all morning has been Meg Barnhouse’s All Shall Be Well. While walking Mocha I again had the sense that despite all that’s gone wrong for me, all is still well. I am safely in the hands of God.
This is so different from what I’ve experienced for most of my life. I am just amazed. I think it must be my effort to get True Self to be with me, and True Self knows that all is well.
And I am still utterly exhausted and finding it hard to function.