My knee first started to hurt on December 20. I have no idea what caused it. It started with some really bad jabs of pain. The pain was in the muscles in the back of the knee. Walking without bending the knee helped a lot and pretty soon I came back to something almost normal. But it didn’t last. For no obvious reason it shifted to the front. Today, the 27th, it hurt the whole time I walked Mocha around Scattergood. Nothing I did changed it. I see a physical therapist today, I hope she can help.
From my journal for December 22:
3rd cup. coffee. Walking Mocha was very difficult. My knee hurt a lot. Still hurting though I’m sitting down with my leg on the footstool. I have to pay so much attention to keeping my leg straight and not letting the steps get too big, that I don’t have any left for appreciating the grey day. I’m sure there are details I could appreciate, but. sigh.
In some ways this knee thing is the last straw. Wish I could collapse and die right now. I’ve been working so hard to heal so I could “have a life,” and somehow it never happens. As I read my journal for ’95-’96 I see that though I’m married & have a folk dance group — and we are building Neskaya — I’m sick a lot and suffer from sensitivity to noise. I’m also not able to have sex with my husband, tho I don’t say anything about that. Because of the support of this place, people around all the time and meals taken care of, I was able to relax into what Erica called “ordinary support.” I think it’s what is known as a “comfort zone,” something I never had my whole life. This is why I always needed conversation that was exciting or deep, couldn’t handle small talk. When I found I could relax with small talk, it was something completely new. But then COVID hit and that removed the ordinary support of having people around. I never got back to it. Makes me think of the idea that I committed suicide in a past life. Was it Hart said the next life is the most difficult? This certainly seems like an appropriate life to learn that suicide is not a good choice. But have I learned that? It’s becoming harder and harder just to get through the day, just to keep eating, dressing, walking, dealing with my health, taking care of the dog, no energy left for organizing my belongings, or doing something meaningful. Well, I do keep writing this journal and using the best parts of it as material for blog posts.
I suppose this could well qualify as a life which is so painful that I have to keep making the choice not to kill myself. But I’m supposed to value life? I can’t say that’s true. It’s been nothing but hard work with the occasional good experience — most of them connected with Circle Dancing. At least the people from Feedspot think my blog is worthwhile, and helps people. I remember one woman who wrote a comment that she found my blog more helpful than her therapist. No one has commented for a long time, which leaves me feeling somewhat disconnected.
Wrote this several days ago. Continue to have trouble with my knee, but it keeps changing. Very confusing. Because of the weekend and the holiday I wasn’t able to see a medical person, tho I get to see someone for PT today. At least the work with my journal from December ’95 and January ’96 is turning out to be fascinating. A reason to keep going.