To Take Care of Myself with Love

The last few days I’ve been struggling with the feeling of being totally disconnected. Today it suddenly occurred to me that that feeling was not me, but one of the very young traumatized parts. As soon as I saw that I stopped being burdened by the sense of complete failure and helplessness. I could see the very young part, probably a baby, a long distance away, perhaps even hidden by something resembling rock. Caring about her, and reaching out to her helped, even though I’m not yet able to connect with her.

This morning I went to fill a glass of water. I have to put electrolytes in it to make sure my body can hydrate with it. The extra step feels like a burden. I asked Higher Self, who said that it was a good thing to take care of myself, but “You need to do it because you love yourself, not because it’s chore that you have to do to keep going.” So that’s the work I need to do. find a way to love myself.

Today I’ve been reading a post from January 2015, about Nancy Napier’s book “Getting Through the Day; Strategies for Adults Hurt as Children” where she says:

For children who were traumatized, there was an undeniable need to be rescued.  Sometimes it’s hard to let go of an experience that feels so real, so immediate.  To imagine that you can take care of yourself might feel as overwhelming as it was then — and as unachievable.   p137

I go on to write an affirmation that was helpful at the time.

I am an integral part of the Universe, and it doesn’t matter how well or how poorly I do my life, what matters is my integrity, authenticity, and my fierce commitment to truth and to compassion.  What I actually accomplish is nowhere near as important as the values I embody.  ‘Whatever you have done or not done’ is not what god cares about, is not what god’s doing in my life.  God is the Truth and the Compassion I embody.

It’s a very helpful reminder to myself today as I try to find the way to take care of myself with love, not as a chore.

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