Sunday, August 28 While walking Mocha I realized that I am really helpless to change the low thyroid. So I was able to say “Thy will be done,” and really let go. “I can’t do this so if you want it to happen, you have to help me.”
Wednesday, August 31 Had dinner with a friend who’s been spending a lot of time dealing with a scam. Talking with her did not cheer me up for once. I realize I’m holding on to three things: The relief of “Thy will be done” and a sense of a being I hand things over to, the solid foundation that’s there deep down below everything, and the story of the man who saw something wonderful as he was dying.
The “solid foundation” was something that I discovered in Faithfulness Group on August 14. I said I was feeling like there was only the “capricious malicious, willful” god based on my alcoholic parents. Katie asked if I could feel the presence of Spirits and I said Yes, completely surprised by my answer. I experienced spirit as a “foundation,” as a solid, flat floor underneath me. The way I know that is the same way I recognized the “Goodness beyond Goodness.” It’s a deeper knowing, not intellectual, but doesn’t have any felt sense. I wonder if I can trust it and realize that yes, I can. That sense of Spirit as a foundation reminded me of the “floor” that caught my pieces when I fell apart after I had started Somatic Experiencing.
The man who was dying was Dedan Gills. His story is in Oneing/Unveiled. His wife, Belvie Rooks, says “As you took your last breath, you looked past us with an ecstatic smile and a look of awe and wonder. Our eyes followed your gaze and we half expected to see someone or something since your smile had been so joyful! When we turned back, you were gone.”
It’s funny. When I imagine O Holy Night in French, I hear it in my mother’s voice, her “soap opera” voice, and it used to annoy me. Now I think “Poor old Mom.” I guess I’ve finally forgiven her, and my ex-husband as well. Maybe it’s the big letting go of handing it all over to God/Higher Self/Universe.
Thursday, September 1 I started reading Atul Gawande, Being Mortal. It’s painful, but I really do want to look at the truth. Which is that I am going to keep losing ground until some major system fails. I’m never going to “have a life.” At least I can understand that Journey Into Courage and Neskaya were two worthy gifts I gave the world. (I see God in a sheet saying “whatever you have done or not done, Welcome!” God doesn’t need me to prove I deserve to live.)
Saying “Thy will be done” reminds me of doing a prostration in Buddhism. How I didn’t like it at first, not feeling that there was anything to worship, and then realizing the relief of letting go — of what? of the burden of the ego? Walking Mocha this morning I realized that the Goodness beyond Goodness and the Foundation under everything are the same thing.