I was reading Oneing/Unveiled while eating breakfast and came on something that struck me in Mirabai Starr. She was diagnosed with a melanoma that turned out to be relatively easy to take care of. She was warned to stop doing things and take care of herself so she cancelled all engagements. But then she had to look at her life.
“If I was not writing, who was I? If I was not teaching workshops and speaking on podcasts, taking up the mic across multiple stages, what use was I?” p85
“For the first time since I was in my twenties, I bought a blank book and began writing and drawing again, without an agenda, filling the pages with color and curves, with poetry and dreams. I listened to music and dozed in the dappled sunlight. I let my old identities drop from my shoulders and watched them go, any impulse toward anxiety soon outmatched by calm curiosity. … I experimented with being nobody. … I liked it.” p86
There were a number of things I wanted to do, like the mapping project of Jeddah Mali, so that I could help us humans to make the transition to the new/old paradigm — we are all connected, we need to live sustainably, etc. — but they’ve all become impossible. Even grief group where I occasionally said something helpful. But grief group has ended because the facilitators both got full time jobs. “I write, I type, I post.” I do these things because I can’t not do them. But lately, my brain has not been working well enough to do a post. If I can’t do that, what’s the point of continuing to write and type? If I can’t post, who am I?
I’ve accepted that I can’t do the program to help my Thyroid perfectly, am doing as much as I can. But I don’t exercise enough, I manage generally to drink enough, I don’t eat enough salt.
Actually I realize it doesn’t matter. If it’s God/Universe’s will, I will get better, if not, not. I also realized, today, walking Mocha, that it’s not my job to figure out what I can do to help the paradigm shift. It’s my job to wait and be open to what God/Universe calls me to do. “They also serve who only stand and wait.” Sign written in the lighting cage at Wellesley, where I spent a lot of time, doing lighting for plays.
Hey! I did a post yesterday and one today!