Found out from Dr. Vreeland that my thyroid is badly underfunctioning. This was about 10 days ago. Since then, I have stopped pushing myself. It was a relief to find that there was a physical reason for my difficulty waking up, instead of me being lazy. I suspect it has to do with the social distancing and early trauma. But I don’t know. It’s been a little scary how badly I’ve lost ground. It takes everything I’ve got just to get through the day.
Tried to find entries in my journal describing how I feel, but they are pretty limited.
From my journal for Thursday, June 30
I am so tired. I’m also feeling a little scared. My brain is not working properly, hasn’t been for a long time.
Second cup. I didn’t even do the breath of joy. I’m seeing that I’m losing ground. I need help and don’t know who to go to.
“Breath of Joy” is something Erica suggested, developed by Amy Weintraub in her Yoga for Depression.
I’m feeling miserable and somewhat scared. I did manage to read The Secret Garden OK today. But I haven’t been able to do much else. This is not a life. I’ve got to have some help, but I don’t know what I need. I got an appointment to see Dr. Dacey, but it’s not til next Wednesday. And I have no idea if she can help me. Maybe I need to see which exercise classes I can got to and just go to them, whatever they are. I would be with people and moving. I’ve been praying for help but don’t feel anything.
I’ve been reading The Secret Garden down in the Health Center to people who mostly don’t seem to be present. But there are always a few who respond, and I enjoy reading it. Dr. Dacey is the doctor in charge of the Dartmouth-Hitchcock Clinic here at Kendal. Normally I see a nurse practitioner, but I wanted a doctor for help with the thyroid.
Journal for Sunday, July 3
Feeling awful. Lost and lonely. Scared. Don’t feel like myself. Can’t even write. I feel both hot and cold. I want to lie down.
They are dancing today at Neskaya. I don’t feel any urgency to go. I keep putting my head down and closing my eyes.
Going through my journal, I notice that I haven’t even been typing up my talks with Erica, which I usually try to do soon after they have taken place. I plan to make myself go to Neskaya, hoping it will give me a lift.