from my journal for Tuesday, July 5
I’ve been struggling with the idea that this odd tiredness is a gift of life and I’m supposed to accept it, not fight it, and learn from it. Oddly, if I think of it as fatal, I feel relief.
During breakfast I read more of Matthew Fox on Julian of Norwich. He says she says no matter how bad things are, it is our duty to find joy in existence itself. OMG! How do I do that feeling so tired, feeling this person that I am to be unfamiliar and defective, feeling like I’m losing ground. So while walking Mocha I did the best I could to notice beauty. Not sure I “enjoyed” it exactly, but I certainly tried.
I do realize, and am very grateful for, my love of Sacred Circle Dance and astronomy and truth. They enabled me to share these things I love with others who also want them, and that I have greatly enjoyed doing. Grateful for the money that allowed me to build Neskaya and to see good therapists and to not have to work a 40 hour week. In exchange I have done my best to heal the early trauma and hope that has results in the human energy field, helping others to recover from trauma.
Matt Fox says to seek to deeply know one’s own soul is the same as seeking god. So all my work with therapists has been on this quest. Maybe this lethargy, this being unable to wake up, is to let me know I’ve done enough, I don’t need to do any more. Am I still trying to “prove I deserve to live”?
Matthew Fox says Julian says “We can never know God until we first know clearly our own soul.” He goes on to say: to get to know our own soul we have to “survey our own shadow rather than run from it, or project it onto others. [To learn] how to explore who we are and what our motivations are, how to explore the wounds that we inherit from family or society so that they do not dictate who we are.” p84 The work he describes is the work I have been doing in therapy for many years. Fox and Julian validate that my work on myself is not pure self-referential or self-indulgent. It is the same that people do in monasteries in prayer and meditation. It is my way to reframe the “capricious, malicious and willful” image of God that is based on my alcoholic parents.