Forgiveness

From my journal for Monday, June 28

Yesterday was a miserable day.  The low-grade fear or whatever it is in my heart is so uncomfortable.  I’ve been trying to get her to tell me what the problem is, but so far I haven’t heard anything.  I keep guessing.  Are you afraid of me rejecting you if you tell me what’s wrong?  Are you afraid of me?  I feel a pause & relief.  It’s OK to be afraid of me.  I’ve pushed you away a lot.  I’m so sorry. so so sorry.  There, there.  I’m hesitant because I’m scared of doing the wrong thing.  What comes is an image of Dana looking at me so coldly when I came back to the house to get some of my things after the divorce.        

I think there’s still some confusion and misunderstanding between us, but I’m willing to work it out.  You don’t have to do anything you’re not old enough to do.  I’ve managed to do almost all the things that needed a grown-up to do.

I feel the burning in my heart again.  It’s some kind of baffled fury at what’s happening on the planet, and my inability to take action.  There’s some intense tangle here.  We may need some further piece of information.

Yes, I really want to know what’s going on for you.  If it’s something bad or scary I’ve done or said, I’d like to be able to reassure you that it was a mistake, that I won’t do it again.  There there Little One.  I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt so badly.

Were you afraid I was sending you away when I sent “these energies” to the white light?  I feel the burning in my heart.  I know I didn’t always get the exact words right, but I never meant to send you away.

I’ve spent my whole first cup of tea working on this and I still feel the burning in my heart.  I really need some help.

Second cup of tea.  Blessed Lord Jesus have mercy on me.  Please!  Now I have to wait patiently for help to manifest.

I continued writing about yesterday.  Then, after I finished writing about yesterday, I went on in imagination and this is what happened.

Trying to reassure the one I’ve been working with that I don’t want to send her away.  I see a small child, maybe 5 yr old, crying and running frantically toward me.  I get that it’s a situation where she did something wrong and tried to apologize and mother wouldn’t accept it.  There was no forgiveness.  My heart goes out, I take her in my arms and say I’m not like that.  God’s not like that.  Of course I forgive you for giving me a bad time.

I don’t have an actual memory of Mother refusing to forgive me.  I didn’t realize that’s what happened until I saw the movie “Mommie Dearest,” and when the adopted daughter says “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” the mother says “Just don’t do it again.”  There was no “That’s OK,” or “I still love you.”  I learned that the only thing I could have done “right” was not to have done whatever it was in the first place.  Then there was the threat to “send me back to Sears & Roebucks,” which told me that not only would I not be forgiven, but I would be sent away to some impersonal adult place where I wasn’t wanted.

I choose to trust that I am in a healing process, and that all my mistakes are forgiven.

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