Angry One

Feeling desperately scared the morning of June 22, I found it really hard even to go through my well-practiced routine of cooking breakfast.  As soon as I finished breakfast and walked Mocha, I went down to the Clinic to see if anyone could see me, and to just sit there where there were people around.  They were able to arrange a meeting with my primary care person, Karen Skalla, at 10:00.  When I got there, Kirsten King, a staff member concerned with community health was there also.  They made sure that was OK with me.  I figure I need all the help I can get.  

They suggested I have a definite plan for when I first get up.  I explained that I have my first cup of tea and write in my journal, and have a definite routine up to walking the dog.  The problem is when I wake up at 4 or 5AM, too tired to get up, too scared to go back to sleep.  One of them suggested I have a tape to listen to.  I know that Nancy Napier and Belleruth Naparstek make tapes (and CD’s) for relaxation in stressful situations.  So that sounded like a good idea.  Being reminded of Belleruth Naparstek also reminded me about her book, Invisible Heroes, about trauma survivors.  I got it out and started reading — the book was published in 2004, shortly after I started Somatic Experiencing, and I found it helpful — and found it even more helpful now that I’m struggling with confusing symptoms.

From my journal for Wednesday, June 23

Went to bed last night listening to Sharon Salzberg on Lovingkindness.  This was the suggestion of the medical folks for what I should do first thing in the morning when I feel scared.  So I played the CD last night & fell asleep easily.  Then when I woke up in the middle of the night and felt the first hit of fear I put it on again and went right back to sleep.  Finally at 6, I woke up and was hit with a real jolt of heat.  I told it to go away and it got stronger.  OK, I’ve got to find out who this is.  I put on Sharon again and continued to try to find out more about where this heat is coming from, what it’s about.  I suspect it’s anger — I just got a hit, it’s very young.  That shifted everything.  The one who broke David’s windows.  Davis.  The Madwoman of Chaillot.  Earth Day.  Rewriting Genesis.  The one who has a lot to say and never got a chance.  Something like that.  The child who was validated by Dr. Asher.

The Sharon Salzberg CD is the 3 CD set on Lovingkindness put out by Sounds True.

The jolt of heat is a jolt of fear, it almost feels like I’m burning, it carried an intense sense of DO SOMETHING.

David was my boyfriend who abandoned me, and I went to his apartment and when he wouldn’t answer me I got my car jack and started breaking his windows.  Dr Asher was a psychiatrist I was seeing who, when I told him about my childhood, said “You must have been very frightened.”  The Madwoman of Chaillot was put on at the University at Davis, California.  It was a great performance with environmental overtones added by the students.  The first Earth Day was celebrated that spring of 1970.

Finally I realized that this one was ANGRY.  Angry at me for not standing up for myself.  I didn’t write down this realization, so I don’t remember where in the day it happened. Before I thought that it was very young I got the word “antagonistic” and thought it might be angry at me.  Well it was, but on my behalf, SHE was angry that I didn’t stand up for myself.  It was the first and only time I got angry enough to commit violence.

From my journal for Thursday, June 24

Yesterday, after connecting with Angry One, I felt a little high all day. Possibly energized by the anger that was finally reclaimed.  So it was a good day.

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