Sunday, May 2
At Hanover Meeting on Zoom. Feeling badly disconnected. This is a result of my early trauma, and the social distancing.
Dear Inner Divine Voice, I’m scared and lost and desperately need help.
Dear Jenny, I am right here. I know it’s hard for you to feel. You have been badly triggered. You are doing your best to connect with people. You went all the way to the dog park and sat with Mary Ann while Trigo and Mocha both played and ignored each other. You did your best to make conversation with Mary Ann. For reasons you are not in control of, you weren’t able to feel connected. Dear One, you are such a good person, and you work so hard. But you judge yourself much too harshly. Can you see/feel connected to the terrified baby who is so lost and unconnected? She is not alone. There are many many people on the planet who are feeling just as lost and disconnected. Some of them are even taking out their fears on others. Your job is to sit down next to them and say “There, there. I’m here and I’m not leaving. We are grieving the loss of all we hold dear. Some of that loss has happened, some may not happen if we can turn things around. But right now, I sit here with you in pain and helplessness. I will not leave.”
I lit a candle for spiritual help. I have rocks in my pocket, the glass heart Karen gave me, and the black stone I took from Erica’s office. These are two things I used to carry in my pocket when I was feeling very lost. I don’t think I have done it since I’ve been at Kendal, maybe even much longer.
While I was sitting here, only my name showing on Zoom, I even lay down for a bit. I imagined myself in India, lying on the floor of a hospice where people were dying from COVID. Their families were not with them, they were alone. I just sat with them. It felt right to do, and helped a little with my own fear and disconnection.