Totally Discouraged

From my journal:

Tuesday, July 7

I’m having a pretty tough time.  The bite I got a couple of days ago, spider maybe, still itches badly.  I put Benadryl ointment on it several times and it didn’t help at all.

Yesterday morning, I struggled with the question of registering the cars.   I went to the Hanover Town Hall website.  Couldn’t find out what I wanted to know.  My brain kept blanking out.  I ended up making a list of details to take care of today.  Then I struggled with charitable deductions. I ended up feeling miserable in a way I find hard to describe.  My body was tense, I felt cranky, grumbly, but also something close to blindness of “blind terror” except that it lacked the terror part.  I wasn’t able to enjoy doing puzzles, didn’t want to listen to any music.

Late in the afternoon I just sat here, barely thinking. I think possibly I’m starting to have a hard time with the isolation.  I think dinner in the dining room, even when I was bored, helped reset my nervous system from hypoactive.

Wednesday, July 8

Woke up feeling so deeply discouraged.  I’m afraid the Republicans will win because of the systems already in place.  Without sensible handling of the COVID crisis, we are seeing surges in cases, so we have to stay in partial lockdown, people can’t work, can’t feed themselves, the economy is collapsing, bailout money to big corporations will not change anything…

Meanwhile I haven’t any energy to do the things I have to do.  I did manage to find out that taking care of the car stuff will be easy.  Arm is still itching from the bite — maybe my system is poisoned.

Desperately need to talk to some Higher Power.  Jesus is the one I feel most drawn to.  In some ways he feels more real than the Bodhisattva of Compassion — even though I know they are the same being.  It’s the compassionate face from the Breton Calvaire that I see.

Dear Jenny, you are helping the world by how much you love it.  Your grief and pain are just the other side of feeling love, they are not different from love.  It is the harder way to love, and you are doing it.  You even do it without effort, because it is so natural to you, so much a part of your being.  But because it is without effort, you do not value it.  You need to love yourself as much as you love the world.  Try finding love for Younger Jenny as you read her journal.  We all gather around you and love you.  Relax and take it in.

Thank You

I felt that grieving tenderness a lot yesterday.  Well of course I am not the only one feeling discouraged.

Shamanic Summit with Michael Stone.  His teacher is Thomas Hübl.
Learn to love these parts that we’ve frozen: fear, shame, self hate, unworthiness, etc.
let them rise into consciousness and love them
even the part that can’t love.

WholeHeart

The line that called to me from the poem was “Is this the end of the world?”  I hope it is the end of this world we are now living in.  Because if we don’t mange to change it a lot, it will get worse.  It will end ignominiously, like the drunk teenager killing himself and the people in the other car as well.  Although if all us humans died, the planet might have a chance of recovery.

Thursday, July 9

Still feeling pretty discouraged and down. I think the social distancing is finally getting to me.

I took notes from Michael Stone in the Shamanism Summit.  He talked about how the people in the business world couldn’t feel their body or their emotions, and he still struggles with this.  He said the important thing is to love what comes up, no matter how unpleasant.  So then I see I have to love the part of me who is feeling so discouraged, and not be angry at her because she can’t “turn it around.”

At least the spider bite is not bothering me so much.

I went back and read what Jesus had to say a couple of days ago.  That helps me find love for the one in me who can’t “get past it.”  Her discouragement is because she loves the world, loves people, elephants, whales and redwood trees, mountains and rivers and ecosystems.  What she sees is that even if we get rid of Trump and take back the Senate, we still have to slow and turn the suicidal momentum of Western-Capitalist-industrial-civilization.

What can I do?  Keep doing the lovingkindness prayer for all beings, keep going to the vigil on Friday afternoons, continue to practice social distancing, take care of myself.  Possibly also respond to Daily Kos’ request for people to send postcards to voters.

I also notice that even though I’m feeling so discouraged, I continue to fix meals, walk the dog, do the lovingkindness prayer, be nice to people.  I don’t take out my misery on others.

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