from my journal for Thursday, April 16
3rd cup. Dandelion tea. Richard Rohr says that real hope rests on a deep knowledge and experience of God. Because I have such a deep distrust of “God,” I see that my experience of being able to trust myself, to trust that deep within me there’s one who picks me up and goes on when I can’t, deep within me there is one whose wisdom has been leading me — to journal, to astronomy, to stonehenge… to Kendal — even when I did not appreciate that wisdom at the time. O but the Universe also sends messages, hints, leadings in the form of synchronicities, birds or rabbits appearing — I heard the wild geese this morning — “announcing your place in the family of things.”
I’m also reading Tattoos on the Heart, and Father G spoke to me in stories of the homies.
“Fabian… wasn’t all the abuse he had endured. He was something else, astonishing and glorious.” p103
From Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation for today:
We might make the following observations about this other kind of hope, which we will call mystical hope. In contrast to our usual notions of hope:
1. Mystical hope is not tied to a good outcome, to the future. It lives a life of its own, seemingly without reference to external circumstances and conditions.
2. It has something to do with presence—not a future good outcome, but the immediate experience of being met, held in communion, by something intimately at hand.
3. It bears fruit within us at the psychological level in the sensations of strength, joy, and satisfaction: an “unbearable lightness of being.” But mysteriously, rather than deriving these gifts from outward expectations being met, it seems to produce them from within. . .
March 17 my notes from talk with Erica:
The news feed not consistent. “I’ve been through another cycle”
baby can’t trust parents its life dependent on
untethered — my earliest intelligence —
my process has gone brilliantly
I’m in freeze, that’s why walking dog, doing dishes work
go on & do the next right thing
I couldn’t do my usual coping — puzzles, type
my system is saying I don’t want to check out
I want to come back into coherence
and back into grounded connection
I can trust myself! [I say with surprise and tears]
in post for March 18
My therapist pointed out that I had somehow done just the right things to bring me out of it. The state I’m in is FREEZE, because a baby can’t flee or fight, and the default in that case is “freeze.” So just moving helped. The fact that I couldn’t do my usual coping activities: digital puzzles, typing journal, reading, was because I knew I couldn’t check out, I had to stay present. This hadn’t been conscious, it came from deep within. But it was the opposite of reaching for a drink. I said to Erica, in tears, “I can trust myself.”
I gathered these pieces and planned to write a summary bringing them all together. But my writing capacity is nil right now, I’ve fallen into a place of despair, my neo-cortex is offline. I’m triggered by overwhelm, by too much news both bad and good, I can’t handle anything right now. So, dear reader, you get to make sense of this collection of fragments, or not. I’ll just post it in the faith that if it doesn’t make sense, perhaps you will have a better understanding of how trauma affects the brain.