Went through another complete cycle on Tuesday. Daily Kos ran a story about how Trump has been minimizing the COVID danger. He cares about the stock market more than people. It showed his statements about “everything is fine” correlating with the rise in cases. He may have slowed us down to the point where we don’t have enough beds or respirators, and our health systems will be overwhelmed, as they were in China and Italy.
When I saw that graph, I suddenly wasn’t sure I could even trust Daily Kos. I couldn’t trust anyone. It was a horrible horrible feeling. Now I see that I was triggered into the state of a small child who has suddenly realized that she can’t trust her parents. But her life depends on them. It’s a horrible horrible moment. I started feeling sick and weak. I managed to cook breakfast and walk Mocha, but then I wasn’t able to make coffee — felt too nauseous to drink anything but ginger kombucha.
I wrote for guidance, which comforted me a little. Thought about calling Dulany but I was afraid she wouldn’t understand and would try to reassure me with logic and reason. I emailed Barbara and Beverly. The phone rang and it was Beverly. She suggested tong-len which was a good idea, though I haven’t been able to do it yet. I do keep doing the metta prayer for all beings: “May all beings be held in lovingkindness.” Talking to her did help ground me a little.
So I felt a little better after talking to Beverly. I found a link to a NYT article — or maybe it was an op-ed — about Trump’s minimizing lies. That helped a little. I had lunch, again found it hard to eat.
I couldn’t settle to anything: not puzzles, not typing, not reading — I took Mocha out for a once around Scattergood. The walking helped a little. I finally made myself wash the dishes. I’m glad I did, because I think it helped bring me back to my present adult.
Wonderful links from Upworthy, Cheered me right up. Someone helping an older woman with shopping. A garbage man on how we’re all in this together. Doctors and nurses dancing in a hospital in Iran.
I think the Great Powers of the universe have cleverly designed this crisis to bring us all to the lived experience that we are all together in the same boat. Spaceship Earth. Only cooperation will help us now.
My therapist pointed out that I had somehow done just the right things to bring me out of it. The state I’m in is FREEZE, because a baby can’t flee or fight, and the default in that case is “freeze.” So just moving helped. The fact that I couldn’t do my usual coping activities: digital puzzles, typing journal, reading, was because I knew I couldn’t check out, I had to stay present. This hadn’t been conscious, it came from deep within. But it was the opposite of reaching for a drink. I said to Erica, in tears, “I can trust myself.”