(Written in June 2009)
I’m thinking about the words I wrote yesterday “Please see me. Please hear me. Please understand how painful and difficult my life is. Please understand that I’m doing the best I can.”
My therapists understand. All three of them have commented on how hard I’ve been working. Caryn even said many people quit, they aren’t willing to do the work. What’s tricky now is that what’s needed for this phase of the work, which mostly doesn’t look like “work”, is that I have to take very good care of myself, sticking to a routine of eating and sleeping and exercise and not taking on anything extra. The hardest part of the work nobody sees but Caryn. With her I’m able to let myself feel very painful and scary states, which I then have to process, not by active catharsis which feels like what I want to do — get this over and done! That doesn’t work with trauma. What I have to do is stay in the painful state with patience, holding back the screaming and dramatic movements, instead waiting for my body to do on its own the processes that release the energy. In my case that’s a lot of shaking, teeth chattering, and yawning. When I don’t have Caryn’s help, and the difficult feelings come, I try to stay with them as much as possible, to pay attention to the physical sensations in my body, and try to hold the difficult feelings with compassion.
Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I haven’t written in a long time.
Dear Jenny, you’ve been doing very well with this work you have taken on. We admire your courage and persistence. We love and support you. You are doing just fine at being yourself, and taking care of yourself. You don’t have to do anything more in order to “deserve to live.” We are sorry that your parents taught you such a cruel lesson, that they let you believe that you didn’t deserve to live. There is no question of “deserving.” Goddess made you just as you are, because the Universe was not complete without you. Remember this. And let yourself feel our love.
Thank you.