(Written in June 2009)
What’s coming up is how sad and frustrated I feel that I haven’t been able to live up to my own standards of responsibility and integrity. I feel very sad that I had to leave Kayla to run Neskaya all by herself through the winter. I feel very sad and frustrated and angry at myself for all the things I said I’d do and then didn’t carry out. I haven’t done so much of that lately because my experience this last winter brought home to me what my limitations really are. I feel ashamed of this, but my sense of integrity demands that I not take on things I can’t carry out. I did manage to get Neskaya incorporated, and to apply for and get the 501c3 status. I bullied myself unmercifully to do those things. Either I burned out or else the trauma work I’ve been doing has made me much more aware of the wounded part of me, and I can’t bully her any more.
After breakfast. Now I’m feeling hugely sad, tears right at the surface. Not a clue as to what it’s about. Maybe the stuff I read to Pat — about not being able to live up to my own standards, about not being seen, not having the pain and difficulty of my life be validated, not being able to believe that I’m truly doing the best I can. The emotion gets stronger on that last phrase. DAMMIT — I am working as hard as I can, to take care of myself and do the work of healing Dammit Dammit Dammit!!! My doing my best has nothing to do with results. Feeling sad again today does not mean that I did something wrong, didn’t try hard enough.
Dammit, I’m dealing with PTSD — Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Like any veteran of combat, except that my flashbacks are not scenes from a battlefield.