(Written in June 2009)
I talked with Eleanor about my sadness about a relationship that’s not going well, and how rejected I felt on Sunday. She was very understanding and validating. She reminded me that sometimes people become angry, defensive and rejecting, when they are feeling guilty. And I remember Caryn suggesting that my friend’s invalidations were because she was frightened of the deep work I am doing. After the session with Karen, where she pointed out that I don’t know what my life would have been if I hadn’t been traumatized, and I reminded myself of some of the gifts — having to go straight for what was most important to me because anything less couldn’t motivate me to overcome the challenges. But I still do have to mourn the things I didn’t get: friendships I couldn’t sustain because of terror and despair, friendships that failed because they couldn’t/wouldn’t understand what I’m up against, work — like doing the slide show — that would feed my soul. I was thinking “I accept my life as it is” and the rabbit appeared. I accept that my wounding allows me to work on healing at a deep level. I just wish it weren’t such lonely work. I wish I could find “trauma buddies”, other people living with PTSD, so I could talk about my struggles with people who understand.
Please see me. Please hear me. Please understand how painful and difficult my life is. I don’t expect you to help me or take care of me. I don’t want you to feel guilty if you don’t want to spend time with me. I just want you to understand how painful and difficult my life is, and that I’m doing the best I can.
Caryn McHose in Holderness is my trauma therapist
Karen Collins in Montpelier is my emotional anchor, I’ve been seeing her for over 20 years.