(Written in September 2010)
It’s interesting. I’m feeling OK right now. Yesterday I decided that I wasn’t going to do anything today, I also expected to feel horrible and figured I’d just soldier on. This has happened other times when I’ve had no expectations for myself. It’s really odd, I don’t think of myself as having expectations, I certainly don’t have obvious ones, but only deliberately dropping them seems to result in being OK. So I seem to always have expectations for myself. I guess it’s something like “I’ll do the right thing and then feel better.” Last night I accepted that I would feel bummed out today, and decided not to fight it. Such a mystery!
Started reading in 2007. Came to some helpful guidance: Dear Jenny, your stony feeling is another dark night of the soul. Your task is to witness it, stay with it, offer compassion, or at least have the intent of compassion. There is nothing wrong with you or defective, that you are stuck in this cold unfeeling place. The fact that you refuse to live your life from this place shows who you really are, and attests to the truth about the universe. The universe is not a cold, uncaring place. It is full of creativity and a vast compassion. Bring your cold stoniness to this compassion and relax. You only need to hold them together, you do not need to make anything change. (January 12, 2007)
And this: Nauseous & headache despite foot bath yesterday and foot pads last night. Goddammit! I DON’T sit around feeling sorry for myself. I work really hard to keep going in the face of unpleasant emotions and confusing and debilitating physical symptoms. (January 14, 2007)
Another guidance: Dear Jenny, we love you. We gather around you sending warmth and affection your way. You work so hard! And you so badly want to give good things to people. Dear, you yourself are the gift of your life. All your hard work on yourself, and the wisdom you have learned from the struggle with despair and terror are what you embody in the world. When Kayla says she feels safe to talk to you about anything, when someone in a workshop comments on your authenticity, they are responding to the energy of compassion that you embody. You change the world by your very presence. Relax, dear, stop trying so hard. It is perfectly appropriate for you to focus all your energy on taking care of yourself. WE LOVE YOU. (January 18, 2007)
I’m thinking of a blog post on the positive effect of no expectations. There was the time I injured myself by saving a wine glass from falling and breaking. It hurt so bad I just had to be OK with not being able to do anything. There was another time, when I accepted it might take weeks to find the right medication, and the depression cleared right up. And last night, I decided that if I was going to do the adrenal test today I wouldn’t do anything else. I figured I’d still be able to make the phone calls even if I was depressed. I think doing them boosted my morale, but that doesn’t always happen.