(Written in November 2008. After having a very bad time in August-September of 2008, I had a little respite in October & then things got bad again in late November.)
Trouble eating yesterday, slept badly last night. It’s 10° out. I’m also cold because I’m depressed. I lit a fire for moral support as well as warmth. I find I’m wanting to be stingy with wood — as though that would help the financial crisis — but that seems silly.
Made tea hoping it would perk me up. My heart is still hurting. Intellectually I have hope, but emotionally I’m sad, scared, and confused. also overwhelmed. I feel like a kid trying to do an adult’s job and failing miserably and there’s no one to ask for help.
We’re all in this together — there must be a lot of people out there who are feeling as scared and defeated as I am. What makes it hard is we’re so isolated.
Called Karen, she called back. Reminded me that I know what to do, that I don’t have to do anything, that the frightened baby needs gentleness, that paying attention to my butt on the couch was “good enough.” I remembered that if I could just make the time interval short enough that would help but I found it very hard to do. Also so hard not to be angry at myself for being incompetent. I told Karen how I would think of doing something like walk the dog and feel all my energy & substance drain out of my body. She said “that’s the thought — stay out of thinking mode.” Hard to do but I keep working on it. Also said, reminded myself, that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to teach dance last night, but I was fine when people showed up.
SO. I did all these things despite being afraid when I thought about them:
1) taught dance
2) took a shower
3) made supper & ate it
4) called Lore for an appt
5) called Kellie for an appt
6) watered the plants
7) made an appt wed to get snow tires on
8) cut Bella’s nails on her front feet (good for me!)
I am actually being able to do things, not failing to cope as badly as I think.
I think I started to do better after Karen pointed out that even though I felt I couldn’t possibly do something when I thought about it, when I actually went to do it I was OK. I made a list of things I had managed to do and kept reciting it to myself, I tried my best not to think, I did a couple of 20 min rounds of counting my breath.