(Written in November 2008)
Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling sad & scared & confused. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, one day at a time. Going to a retreat with Jack Kornfield is good, it will help strengthen your practice. About the financial picture: you are scaring yourself by extending current reality into the future. You do not know what will happen. No one knows what will happen. There is a lot of fear out there. You are feeling isolated, but the truth is you humans are all in this together and we are in it with you. All of us who love the earth want to see an economy that is sustainable and people living good lives based on cooperation. Many people are out there working for exactly this. You are not alone. Your part of the job is to maintain Neskaya as a sanctuary, and you are doing that. Do not be afraid. You are in the hands of God, and you are not alone.
Thank you. I feel warmer and lighter.
I could feel the love coming from my Guardian Spirits, and it reminded me of the line in Belleruth’s guided imagery “All the love and sweetness that has ever been felt for you…” and I always feel grey and empty — I can’t imagine anyone has ever felt that for me. I “know” at some level that’s not true, but I can’t feel it, can’t convince myself. Back in the days when I recited “Ron loves me, Trudi loves me…” they had both said explicitly “I love you”, and many others I felt sure of. But now I feel really unsure. I think about one friend — surely she loves me, she has certainly acted like it and tells me so — but I can’t imagine it because I can’t believe she still loves me despite all the things I haven’t been able to do for her. [This sentence reflects my belief that if I can’t do something someone needs or wants, then I don’t care about them.] Another friend has expressed caring for me, but I can’t believe in it or take it in, because— because what? I feel like I’m always making things difficult for her. I also imagine that she’s jealous because I have money and don’t have to work. I did think about two people I know really love me and feel “love and sweetness” toward me: Beverly Decker and Cathy Jay. Thinking of them helps a lot. Also thinking about Beverly Woods, and Karen Collins, Jo, Jesse, Jerry & Lisa who said “we love you and want you to be well.” Then I wondered if the earth loved me and felt a great gush of love from under my feet. I got tears in my eyes. Yes the earth does love me. I can rest on that. And god loves me too — “whatever you have done or not done.”
“Don’t care” see post for October 26, 2010