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Vocation

Posted on February 24, 2010 by jenny

(Written in April 2009)

Parker Palmer talks about having one’s limits being as important a clue to vocation as one’s strengths and gifts. He also talks about “true self.” I wonder — if my “true self” was shattered by trauma, then how can I recover it? or is trauma part of my vocation? Talked to Beverly who said it doesn’t matter, whatever happens to you, you go on doing what you do — which in my case means my commitment to the truth — which I keep right on pursuing, embodying, even while struggling with depression. She said: “Your commitment to the truth and writing painting dancing is how you give your love to the world — and you do it with great tenacity.” She says that’s how I love the world, enormously, every day.

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Journal: Reason for Hope

Posted on February 23, 2010 by jenny

(Written in August 2009)

I talked to Elizabeth who was bummed out because of developers desecrating a place she and others think is special. She was needing to be more active, but too tired and overwhelmed to do anything big. I reminded her of Paul Hawken’s book, and the number of small groups who are working for ecological sanity “under the radar.” (The book is called “Blessed Unrest”, and on Youtube is Paul Hawken’s address to the bioneers in 2007. Worth seeing.)

I also reminded Elizabeth of the story at the end of Circle of Hope — about the living machine that rebalanced itself, and how all we have to do is keep doing what we do. These reminders helped lift my spirits.

Circle of Hope was created in February 2004 when I sent a discouraged email to the Circle Dance elist.
This is the last entry:
I have just had the lovely experience of writing 27 email replies to dear friends, old friends, absent friends and people I haven’t even met yet who are now part of my electronic dancing circle. My friends, we span the globe: I heard from Bali, France, and Argentina, not to mention Mexico and California. I’ve copied all your replies into one document so I can read it again when I feel discouraged. But I have to say that all together we are doing something more than just lighting individual candles in the darkness.

I was reminded yesterday of something that gave me great hope at the time, but there was a further lesson to be drawn from it: there’s a business called Ocean Arks, that designs systems to deal with various kinds of water waste — like the Living Machines in Burlington and at Findhorn that deal with sewage. John Todd designed a system for a candy company, to handle 10% of their waste… “One Friday a computer malfunctioned and sent 100 percent of the waste in to the eco-machine, overloading the system. “A godawful mess — foam, fats, oil, dead fish — everywhere,” says Todd. Disgusted employees turned off the pumps and went home for the weekend. But when they returned on Monday, the eco-machine had rebalanced itself. “They were so startled by this self-healing; thatís what turned the tide and allowed us to continue with other projects,” says Todd, who confesses surprise himself.” (from story in Hope Magazine, Jan/Feb 2004, written by Sarah Tuff)

This is Gaia, in small, an eco-system that’s capable of handling an overload of toxic stuff. Humans created the mess, but humans also designed the solution and when they did something magical happened: nature joined the fight. One-celled creatures and plants and fish somehow cooperated to deal with the mess. Guess what, everybody – WE ARE NOT ALONE. Even the algae are fighting to save planet earth. Nature is on our side and ready to help the moment we open the door — remember the 40 pound cabbages at Findhorn, and the rainforest that’s regenerating under the pines of Gaviotas. There’s this huge process working toward health, awareness, consciousness, compassion – and it’s bigger than we are, big as the planet, maybe even big as the universe (Today I believe for sure as big as the universe) and our circle dancing community is part of it. We are part of how the human community re-balances itself — we don’t have to know how, all we have to do is keep on doing what we do.

So Keep dancing everybody.

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Alcoholic Parents

Posted on February 22, 2010 by jenny

The July 4 monologue describes a weekend with my parents while my father was dying in July 1986. I wrote everything that happened in my journal to help me ground and keep me sane. I thought of trying to turn it into a play, but realized I had no idea what Mom or Dad would say other than the quotes I had written down. In a workshop at Rowe Conference Center, “The Healing Power of Theater” with Jean Claude van Italie, I learned a form of monologue which was really powerful. I rewrote my journal entries in this form.

Typing up the July 4 monologue in July 2009, I’m seeing how crazy-making Mother was, how all my attempts to help were slashed and made wrong, how totally cowed I was, how unable to speak truth, barely able to think it even. When I get the whole thing typed up, I want to take it to Caryn, read it out loud and say the things I wish I could have been able to say. (“I don’t like being distrusted.” “Are you trustworthy? Why did Dad have to go to the hospital? Because you were too drunk to take care of him.”)

I told Caryn about how I would speak to the July 4 monologue, and she had me say something specific, so I said in answer to “I don’t like to be distrusted” — “Excuse me, but you’re not trustworthy.” She asked how it felt in my body — upright and strong — and then said that my vulnerability and grief should be there too. She said it was like a chord, with all the different notes. I really liked the idea, but didn’t see how to do it. But I tried “Excuse me, but you’re not trustworthy” again, and I could feel that it was softer, that the grief was there. She wants me to practice having both strength and vulnerability.

I read Elizabeth the July 4 monologue with comments from the future. We both laughed in places. Before I started I described myself as a “wimp”, unable to speak truth to them, ashamed of how much I was cowed by them. Elizabeth said not to put myself down, that she was impressed with my patience with those two impossible people. She said not only did I do MY best to help, but I did THE best that was possible, given that nothing would work with a passive-aggressive alcoholic like Mom. She was only sorry I was so hurt by it. I was really touched and started crying. I really did try my hardest to make things OK for two impossible people in an impossible situation.

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Guidance for Help in Depression

Posted on February 21, 2010 by jenny

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m having a pretty hard time just getting through the day. Can you help me?
Dear Jenny, you are doing just fine. You are doing the work that you need to do to heal this. Bringing yourself back to the present, back to your body, over and over, IS the work and you are doing it. We remind you that these strange painful states of lostness and disconnection are something real that you experienced in the past — except that you were overwhelmed and couldn’t process it. Supporting your self to experience it now is the way to healing, and you are doing it. These experiences are real, they did really happen, but they are not true now, not the reality of your life now. You are experiencing them as they leave your body. You are not “holding on to your pain,” “wanting to be miserable,” or “over-involved with your inner drama,” or any of the other cruel things people have said to you over the years. You are doing your best to be present to the traumatized baby with compassion. We love you very much. Let yourself take it in. (January 2009)

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m in pretty rough shape. A little scared, a little fragile, a little depressed. I’m feeling cold and distant, and don’t have much hope for the future. This struggle out of depression is taking much longer than it has before. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, hang on. You are doing very good work, very deep work and it has results in the energy foundation of the earth. By working with your psyche, working to heal your deep pain, you are also helping to heal the deep wounds of the earth. We know it’s very hard work, and confusing, and full of pain, times of horror, and lostness, and bleakness. This is a necessary part of the healing. You must feel these stages as you pass through them. You must take it on trust that you are moving, even when it doesn’t feel like it. We are doing our best to support and strengthen you to do this work. We wish you could feel our presence, but know that’s hard for you. We love you and honor you for the deep work you are doing. (May 2009)

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Healing Work

Posted on February 20, 2010 by jenny

(Written in January 2008)

Work with Kevin. Talked about the cramps that stopped me from going to Chaco and the idea that a part of me for whom the adventure was too much, too scary made it impossible to go. Kevin mentioned “the committee.” Give voice to the committee: I spoke for the one who says (with outrage) “I’m paying Kevin a lot for this time, and I’m just going to spend it breathing!?!” But there’s another voice that understands that this might be the work for the day. And a voice that says “I wanted to do more with my life.” Kevin said that was an honorable desire. I cried & my belly went in & out like a balloon — it was a little scary but I stayed with it. Kevin said something about the body doing what it needs to. Maybe I sat up then & talked about the parts of me that trust the body’s wisdom, and the parts that are scared of it.
Paying attention to the tight place in my belly, to when it loosens, flaps, bubbles up with my breathing, and when it tightens. This is my dowsing rod, my guide, helping me to identify which of the multitudes of voices inside are speaking at any time: the indigenous ones who trust the wisdom of the body, the ones who know what I need for healing, the white male oppressors who complain this is not “scientific”, and all the little traumatized children who are afraid of the process. The multitudes grew into a huge crowd with placards and banners. I had a sense of parts of me disintegrating, a sensation familiar from Somatic Experiencing, which I used to find scary, but now welcome as an indication of healing. Old frozen patterns are breaking up like ice in spring. In the crowd, people began talking to each other: arguing, discussing, negotiating, communicating. I became curious about the ones who were on the side of the disbelievers, the oppressors. After a long moment, two figures shuffled forward. Shriveled versions of Mom & Dad. I understood that all the oppressive voices were frightened children desperate for security. I found myself saying: I disagree with you, but I keep a space open for you because you are part of the whole. I could feel my acceptance of all the dark rigid pieces inside me and I became whole. I am the planet — there are elephants in my bloodstream. Kevin asked “what does that feel like in your body?” A sense of wholeness, really filling out my skin, denseness and texture inside. Not heavier, but more alive.

Kevin Frank is an amazing body worker in Holderness, NH. See his website.

Somatic Experiencing is a method for healing trauma, developed by Peter Levine

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Understanding Trauma

Posted on February 19, 2010 by jenny

From Maggie Scarf’s book: Secrets, Lies, Betrayals
“Trauma exposes a child to his own absolute helplessness and lack of control of his world at the very time when he is struggling with the crucial developmental issues of competence and mastery. At the same time, traumatic experiences strike at the heart of a youngster’s sense of self for a very different, somewhat paradoxical reason: Early in life, children are wonderfully grandiose and experience themselves as central to and the cause of anything and everything that occurs around them.” (p86)

“Trauma: A Wound to the Self
“Such events are highly likely to leave you in a state of chronic bodily arousal, with a highly uncomfortable overreactivity to life’s minor insults, threats, and dilemmas. This physiologically based state, a bodily condition of dysregulation, makes it very hard for a person to soothe herself, calm down, and regain stability in the wake of any negative event, even one that had nothing to do with the painful experiences of the past.” (p89)

“We humans are after all, social creatures, who grow up in the protective environments provided by our caretaking families. Thus, when bad things happen at the hands of the very people who are supposed to love and nurture us, our basic conception of ourselves and of the world we inhabit is inevitably impacted in enormous ways. Physical or emotional battering — or cold indifference and neglect — within the family group is at some basic level the most traumatic occurrence of all.” (p93)

She quotes trauma expert Bessel Van der Kolk: “The real trauma, and the actual cause of most post-traumatic suffering, is ‘attachment trauma’.”

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Spirit Guidance

Posted on February 16, 2010 by jenny

(Written in January 2010)

Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling pretty awful. I’m not even sure whether I’m scared or sad, but I feel so tired and weak. Can you help me?

Dear Jenny, take a big step back. Here’s this woman, who works very hard to do good in her life. She always tries her best to act with compassion and kindness. But a lot of her life is a struggle because of the debilitating effects of post traumatic stress. She lives with a jarred mechanism of body and nervous system, that makes it difficult to feel comfortable in her own body. She also struggles with a negative self-image that resulted from her mother’s inability to see her daughter as someone separate and distinct from herself. She also struggles with letting her real “big” self appear in the world, because her mother was jealous of her creativity, exuberance, and intelligence, and she learned to be ashamed of them. So her life is a long struggle with dysfunctional woundings from her earliest years, and rare times of being able to enact her creativity and generosity in the world. Dear Jenny, even though you find it so hard to enact your big self in the world, you are still able to do a lot of good. All your work to heal yourself helps change the world even when you are not successful. We love you, Dear Jenny, and we wish you could feel and take in our love, but we know that’s very hard for you to do.