From my journal for January 24, 1997
Saw Dr. Brunette today which left me completely bummed out. I told her all that had been happening — it felt like she listened to me but didn’t really hear me. At the end she said “Well, you sound pretty depressed” and gave me a prescription for Zoloft, as well as renewing the Lorazepam. But she made me feel like therapy didn’t do any good, there was no point in not taking the anti-depressant.
But I feel bummed out. And angry. No sympathy for the hard time I’ve been having, no suggestion that the medication would help me cope while I did the work in therapy. She was unimpressed by my hope that a new therapist might make a difference. Damn damn damn — I feel unseen, unheard, dropped down the cracks between the medical people and the alternate ones.
The truth is that I needed both: therapy and a medication that works. Unfortunately, Zoloft is also an SSRI like Paxil, and it’s Paxil I had a terrible experience on. I was too afraid of Zoloft to give it a real chance.
From my journal for January 28, 1997
Thought about what I had learned from Karen. I’m much more patient and gentle with myself than I used to be, and I am learning to comfort myself, when I feel bad now, I just embrace myself, instead of getting angry. (or at least I try to, or remember to, I’m not always successful, it’s not yet automatic, but it is what I think to do.)
I told Dr. Rankin that my goal was to be able to sit on the couch and watch the chickadees in peace and contentment. I think I did say something about having lost the competent, self-sufficient part. I want to clarify that I don’t want that old self back, I’m willing to give up the old parts of myself, based on fear, and trying to control, and trying to prove. I want something new to grow organically. I’ve had some hints of what that might look like in the work with Karen, but they don’t “stick,” it’s like there’s some kind of foundation piece missing, some root that they could stick to.
I discovered when I finally got on anti-depressant medication that worked, that work I had done over and over again in therapy, but didn’t change my behavior, finally did start to make a difference. It’s clear that I needed both therapy and medication.