From my journal for June 5, 1996
It’s not so much the fear that I am going to do something “wrong,” it’s the knowledge that I am “wrong,” and nothing I can do will change it. And then I feel stuck and trapped, because that world in which I am wrong was my whole world, there was nowhere else to go. Now I am finding that there’s another, bigger world, in which I belong, but the old feelings continue to operate. And I suppose moving entirely to this new world, pulling up or severing my roots with the old one, could lead to just the sort of fear and disconnectedness that I’ve been going through. Now, perhaps, I am beginning to feel much more solidly rooted in this one.
And the new world that I have moved — am moving — into? where the divine powers support my individuation, support me being my Big Self in the world, send challenges to strengthen me but forgive me for all mistakes. In this new world is Neskaya, and its magical and spiritual possibilities, sacred circle dance, “movement in depth,” seasonal pageants — friends like Dana, Lynelle, Beverly, new friends like Sybil and Leylia — work with Karen — writing as process, I don’t know how “books” will fit, I think of going back to the Ritual Autobiography Project and making it something for me to read, to help connect me back to that part of myself. Writing for publication seems to be part of the old life. In the new life I’m focussed on the present, movement, Neskaya.
I gave up writing for publication when I realized I was writing “Written in Blood” to “prove that I deserve to live even though my parents were disappointed in me.” That motive just seemed totally wrong to me, and of course, it was coming out of the pain of a wounded, traumatized child.