From my journal for June 6, 1996
O gosh I feel so awful. I’m also scared — the old stuff — how will I take care of myself — feeling that I don’t have the resources to get my needs met, and there is no safety net, no larger, wiser, bigger, older, more powerful being who will catch me if I fall. I think of Mom & Dad saying “Don’t call us if you get into trouble” when I bought the Agassiz property. That was a long time ago, but it feels like the message of my childhood. And not only will we not help you or support you or comfort you if you get into trouble, we will sneer at you and humiliate you and invalidate you. Gosh what an awful dynamic to have built into one’s psyche.
So awful to have parents who expect you to take care of the younger children, but refuse to help you in any way. I realized how unsafe that made me feel. I know the feeling of lack of safety was exaggerated by the early trauma of being left alone when I was a baby, but I didn’t know that in 1996. When I got here to Kendal, and they told me if I run out of money they won’t kick me out but will continue to take care of me, I suddenly felt safe for the first time. That was a shock. To feel safe for the first time in my life. To have never felt safe before, because of my parents’ attachment to money. That’s so sad.