Read Erica what I had written. She thought it was powerful. We talked about the flavor of the writing.
Notes from the session with my therapist on November 21:
What I wrote was written from a “neutral/wisdom stance,” not from a trauma place, not neutral but beyond shock. I was not welcomed, but not pushed away, I was not seen at all. The neutrality of negation.
Erica asked “What of this is yours?” What happened here? — Is this mine?Who else’s pain is here?
The pain is not in the writing, though I feel the pain when I read the writing. The landscape is a ghost town. It’s not discernible what happened here, speaks to the vacuousness. There’s nothing here to nourish the witness, there’s a hollowness.
The environment is missing nourishment & relationship, it is beyond despair, even despair isn’t big enough. Coming in touch with that level of despair.
Erica says “You’re deepening the journey you’ve been on.” I’m bringing language to the profound desolation of the baby. Putting into language feelings that the baby could never have expressed. The pauses, the spaces, neutrality can feel like compassion. This is the non-judging witness.
The baby has never been mirrored, so she can’t know herself. The sadness, the spaces, the neutrality give the baby space to feel herself.
The challenge of recovery from trauma — People crowd the one who needs healing by rushing, not giving them room. The result of trauma is a bunch of disconnected parts. They need to integrate, need to be given a holding environment, a space that’s not invaded.
Is there more that the baby needs to communicate?
Then I need to respond. What does this young energy want or need? What would attunement look like? How can I show you I am here for you?
The baby needs to know what’s possible. What does connection look like? What happened here?
Ask inner teacher for help.
Thinking about the Feminine of History and the passages that wrote themselves about being held by the circle and “we are one, we are home at last.”
I’m imagining carrying Baby Jenny in a sling on my front, so I can put my arms around her when I don’t need them for something else.
Notes from my journal for November 22:
Dear Inner Teacher, can you tell me about anything that would help my relationship with the traumatized baby or help me understand what to do for her?
Dear Jenny, holding her and reassuring her is exactly right. “Held, not healed.” Holding her in your love and caring is what is most important. She must allow her own healing to happen. Yes, just as in your book the fragments have to self-organize into a whole person.
“Held, not healed” is from Matt Licata.
J: What can I do then, to help the process take place?
I.T.: Collage would be excellent, as it’s fragments coming together. I know this is hard for you. You can also draw fragments, and color them or label them. Movement would be good too.
J: I feel very doubtful of my ability. But it doesn’t have to be beautiful. I can at least make a start.
Even Gaza and Israel are fragments looking to be healed. This work can happen on many levels.
Later, I checked with Baby Jenny, and she was angry at me for being mean to her. I apologized profusely, told her I was not angry at her, but at myself, usually for not getting it right, and I can understand how Baby Jenny thought it was her. I remember hitting myself to stop myself from crying. I expect Mother hit Baby Jenny to stop her from crying. Of course Baby Jenny couldn’t tell the difference between me and Mother.