From Gretchen Schmelzer’s blog for August 23, 2023: The Wisdom of Respite. Gretchen is a trauma survivor and a therapist for people suffering from trauma.
Respite is noted to be a break from something difficult. And it’s true that we feel the need for respite the most when we have been through something hard, or when the stress has been relentless. It is like a deep thirst, not for water, but for energy, for renewed hope, for a solid center.
Oh the desire for energy, for renewed hope, for a solid center. I don’t have any of them right now.
The irony is, of course, that even though respite is often called a ‘relief’—when you are healing, it doesn’t always feel like a relief. Sometimes it does.
But sometimes you actually have to put effort in to not working—you have to be disciplined about sitting still. Why? Because when you sit still you are more able to see the work you have been doing. You are more keenly aware of the loss or sadness that may accompany the change. So, sometimes respite may be a relief from one thing, but not another.
Having to put effort into not working. Like when I try to sit still, and not get distracted. Sometimes so uncomfortable to sit still. This is often the feeling that drives me to do a digital jigsaw puzzle. I think I’m getting a break, but it’s only a distraction. In fact I’m almost addicted to it. I have good enough discipline to stop myself frequently, and using my right hand that way has been exacerbating a difficulty with my right shoulder blade. But after doing a puzzle, or two or three, I don’t feel renewed. I have to force myself to do yet another task.
But mostly, like all the emotions of healing, respite has an intermittent quality. You feel the relief, the slowness and you can finally breathe again. The rest allows your system to calm down and you notice your brain starts working better again: You can think! And then you get pulled down. Your heart aches. The anxiety comes back. You look around for a way to distract yourself. And the discipline is to stay and breathe. Stay and rest. Do what you need to really feel respite. The difficult feelings might bubble up, but they aren’t all of your feelings, they won’t take up all of the time. And you need the rest. You need the respite.
I wrote this in my journal this morning: Gretchen’s blog talks about the need for respite. Respite not distraction. I realize that when I turn to a puzzle I’m looking for distraction. Respite from trauma may feel uncomfortable. Right now I am overwhelmed and badly triggered. There there dear, I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. But the truth is that you’ve been alone too much and there hasn’t been enough support. Sharon & Bob have been eating alone, Judith has had friends visiting, writing group hasn’t been meeting and Erica is away. The upsurge of COVID has caused some of this. It is not that you are worthless, but that’s what’s been triggered. Your friends have been unavailable, not because they don’t value you, but because of things that have nothing to do with you. I can tell myself this, but I don’t believe it.