I’ve been thinking about the different themes I’ve been working with recently.
One is the idea of “handing things over to God” or Divine Beloved or Divine Process. The problem is that the “god” I learned about in my childhood was “capricious, malicious and willful.” When I saw that I realized why it is so difficult for me to trust “Divine Process.” I’ve also realized more recently that “capricious, malicious, and willful” really describes my mother more than my father. My father at least had values that he stuck by. I didn’t agree with many of his values, but at least they were consistent. Mother changed her values according to her feelings of the moment. I didn’t see that until I did the 4th of July Monologue. I also had the mantra Kripalu gave me “I offer myself to this process,” which was easy because process could be anything. I even had a sense that it was scientific, that is according to definite rules. But too much of my life was under the shadow of “capricious, malicious and willful.” Recently, talking to a 12-yr-old part, she said “God’s just like Daddy.” So that’s what makes it difficult to trust Divine Process.
Another thread: being able to accept whatever is happening right now. I saw that acceptance was easier for me to practice than letting go. So I went back to “Radical Acceptance” a book which I’ve read several times, this time with a sense of seriousness about practicing it.
The question of “self” vs. “no self.” I’m seeing that what you consider “self” depends a lot on your world view. Some authorities use the terms “self” and Self” to distinguish two versions of self. Then there’s the idea of being connected with everything. One way that could happen would be to smooth out everyone’s individual characteristics so we’d all be the same, homogeneous. That certainly wouldn’t work in a body, where it’s very important for specialized cells to perform their tasks. You wouldn’t want a liver cell and a brain cell to be smoothed out and homogenized. Each Self has individual qualities that are its gift to the world.
Paying attention to what my body is trying to tell me. Tara says it’s very important to pay attention to your body. I learned, when I was feeling uncomfortable, if I stayed with it instead of trying to get away from it, I might learn something important. I’m finding that paying attention to my body when I’m walking outside is a great way of staying present. I’m also fortunate that dance has been so important to me. It’s helped me be much better in touch with my physical self than many people in our culture.
The question of holding opposites together, like grief and gratitude. I’m finding that one very difficult. I was surprised to see that I had experienced the sense of opposites together twice, but it didn’t get built into my memory. Would have forgotten if I hadn’t written them down. The two experiences are in Ritual Year. One is Real Life is Bigger than Happiness. The other is Blazing and Storm-shattered Maples.
I think of these themes as tangled threads, because they do connect in odd ways. My therapist, Erica, said when you are untangling yarn, you can’t just pull one out, you have to loosen one piece and then loosen another. I feel like that’s what I have been doing with these themes that I’m working with. I’m trying to find my way to “let my life live itself.”