Written in Writing Group:
Woke up this morning feeling sad, lonely, discouraged. Then I thought that there must be a lot of lonely old women, without family, who wake up feeling like that. Feeling the presence of all these people supported me in some way. I still felt sad and lonely, but I didn’t feel alone with it.
Later in the day, feeling more tired, having trouble doing things that needed to be done, I began to want it to be over, that life is a chore, that the world I love is in desperate trouble and I can’t do anything, I keep throwing away bits of plastic wrapped on my bottles of supplements printed with “for your protection” and I know I’m helping kill all sorts of creatures in the ocean, and I just don’t want to go on…
Again I began to feel that there are so many people who feel this way, mostly younger people but older ones too, and I feel connected to all of them, especially the young people thinking about suicide. I think about the practice of tonglen, of breathing in feelings of deep discouragement, lack of energy, wish to be done with it, and breathing out something warm and comforting. I remember, long ago when I first tried it I couldn’t do it, I was too overwhelmed with discouragement. This time I have no problem breathing in the painful feelings, I know what that feels like, I feel connected to all of you. But I can’t breathe out anything positive or cheerful. All I can breathe out is compassion, it’s what I truly feel for all of us in this struggle.
Looked back through my posts to find what I said about Tonglen, and found links to pages that no longer exist. This is how I understand it: it’s a Buddhist practice, to breathe in the negative feelings from someone you care about, and then breathe out comforting feelings.
Checking Wikipedia, I find Pema Chodron‘s instructions:
“On the in-breath, you breathe in whatever particular area, group of people, country, or even one particular person… maybe it’s not this more global situation, maybe it’s breathing in the physical discomfort and mental anguish of chemotherapy; of all the people who are undergoing chemotherapy. And if you’ve undergone chemotherapy and come out the other side, it’s very real to you. Or maybe it’s the pain of those who have lost loved ones; suddenly, or recently, unexpectedly or over a long period of time, some dying. But the in-breath is… you find some place on the planet in your personal life or something you know about, and you breathe in with the wish that those human beings or those mistreated animals or whoever it is, that they could be free of that suffering, and you breathe in with the longing to remove their suffering.
“And then you send out – just relax out… send enough space so that peoples’ hearts and minds feel big enough to live with their discomfort, their fear, their anger or their despair, or their physical or mental anguish. But you can also breathe out for those who have no food and drink, you can breathe out food and drink. For those who are homeless, you can breathe out/send them shelter. For those who are suffering in any way, you can send out safety, comfort.
“So in the in-breath you breathe in with the wish to take away the suffering, and breathe out with the wish to send comfort and happiness to the same people, animals, nations, or whatever it is you decide.
“Do this for an individual, or do this for large areas, and if you do this with more than one subject in mind, that’s fine… breathing in as fully as you can, radiating out as widely as you can.”[7]