from my journal for Saturday, July 16
I wake up early. I feel miserable. I lie there only wanting to go back to sleep, but I can’t. I take the Thyroxin, bring a glass of water, make a cup of tea.
The misery is both emotional and physical. Thyroxin is a drug to stimulate the thyroid. I’ve just started taking it.
3rd cup. coffee. Walking Mocha I worked on reciting my prayer, and trying to see/feel the components — participatory: Mocha, me, grass, trees — in the world around us. I see this as the expression of my love for creation, even though I don’t have any good feelings. “Not some nice thing that you feel but some hard thing that you do.” It is hard work, and I do it because I love creation. Walking home I hear a cardinal, positive message from the Universe.
The latest version of my prayer/vision: “I choose to trust that the wider, more inclusive, participatory, sacred cosmos is alive and intelligent, and works with us, teaching us to value diversity and helping us self-organize into a higher order being.” I’ve noticed that it keeps changing, I’m not getting stuck.
Finishing my coffee, I found All Shall Be Well on YouTube, starting a set of pieces “mixed for you.” Then I went and did puzzles while the music was playing. They went on to do the lost words blessing, then Windward Away and a lot more Julie Fowlis. They did Kate Wolf singing the Times we’re Living in. The last one I listened to was the Ballad of Anne Frank. I had lots of feelings, mostly sad, some sentimental. It was good to feel feelings, I guess I haven’t done that for a while. There hasn’t been much but discomfort, dryness, and despair. “On their sleeves was a broken cross, on my heart was the star of David.”
These songs are all ones I have played a number of times.