Horrible Day

I haven’t posted anything new to this blog since November 5.  I’ve been having a very hard time, partly due to struggling with a dead battery in my car, which first looked like it was problem with the electrical system.  My car is a Prius, and the Toyota service department told me that if there was a problem with the electrical system, it could take a while to figure it out and to fix it.  It turned out that it was the 12 volt battery, but it took 10 days before I was able to get a new battery.  The same day the car wouldn’t start, I woke up to find a tick embedded in my arm.  I managed to pull it out.  Since it was a Saturday, there were only emergency people in the Clinic to look at it, but there wasn’t a lot of red.  It was a big tick, so I hoped that all would be well.  It was 10 days before a red spot, about 2 inches across appeared on my arm around the bite.  So they started me on doxycycline.  I was unhappy because I knew it would mess up my gut, but I certainly didn’t want to get Lyme disease.  I was very tired while taking the medication, but did start finally feeling better.

Meanwhile, things were getting harder.  Some of the things that lift my spirits are dancing at Neskaya, going to grief group, and posting to this blog.  I had to miss a gathering at Neskaya and three weeks of grief group because of the problem with my car.  I started drafts of two posts, but wasn’t able to finish them.  A lot of my difficulty is because of the social distancing.  When my system gets dysregulated — all too easy with PTSD — the best way to regulate is to be with other people in physical reality.  Seeing people on video does not accomplish this necessary process.

Today has been very difficult.  This morning, it was raining on top of a layer of snow. This causes snow to fall off the roof, which upsets Mocha. Even though the first falls were very soft, Mocha knew they were happening and started to try to escape. The best way is when she’s able to crawl into a hiding place in the closet where she feels safe. For some reason this doesn’t work when snow/ice falls off the roof and makes a loud noise. She seems to be trying to find safety by climbing up something, or banging on the shower door or the closet doors. Sometimes she knocks things over, so I’m bothered by noise, by fear of damage, by having to remove her from places like near the computer where she has knocked plugs out of sockets.

At first I tried to write in my journal, but couldn’t get anywhere.  I began to be unpleasantly anxious. The only thing I could do was type journal since it didn’t require me to do something new. At least Mocha quieted down about 11:30, after a couple of hours of scrambling around, and I was able to go down to get lunch. Of the practical things I had hoped to get done today, the only one I managed, after a struggle with the website, was to update my credit card with AAA by filling out a paper and getting it ready to mail.

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