From my journal:
Thursday, September 17
The most amazing thing has happened! I went to water the plants while my second cup of tea is brewing, and the two narcissus bulbs that never sprouted have put out green shoots! Resurrection can happen, even when you have given up. Maybe only when you have given up.
They were talking in grief group about getting up and going on, and I remembered — but didn’t say — that it always feels like it’s a non-conscious part of me that picks me up after collapse. That’s the importance of AA’s first step. “Acknowledged that I was powerless.” Accepting that you’re not in control. That allows the larger process to move you. That’s when it gets easy.
Thursday, October 1
I went down to the window to look for the pink clouds, and saw the strong green leaves that the “dead” narcissus bulbs are putting out. Did I love them back into life? I feel redeemed, and forgiven, and showered with grace.
When I went back and checked, the first time I saw them was the day after I had been to grief group in person for the first time in six months. Allowing myself to recognize how badly triggered I was, and what a relief it was to be with people who were real, may have been what encouraged the bulbs. Watered with the tears of grief. They belong with the poem about rewriting my life. Rebirth happens!
I suspect these bulbs didn’t flower because they had been forgotten for at least a year. They were for sale in a box in “The Attic” where things residents don’t want get sold for small prices. The previous owner may even have died.