Collapse of a Coping Strategy

This was originally posted in March 2012

(journal entry written in June 2004)
Day started badly.  Found bank deposit that I prepared before I left for Kripalu & forgot.   I feel out of control.  This scares me because it looks like a coping strategy that has served me all my life — being super-responsible — has collapsed and left me without form or structure.  It’s like walls that were holding me up and in have collapsed and I’ve melted and run all over the floor.
Kayla was talking at me with that harshness that I interpret as anger and I started a sentence in Giraffe “When you speak to me in that intense way,  I feel scared…  and I need….” and she got it: “You need me to soften my voice..” and that really helped.  She picked a Tarot card for me, the Five of Cups, also called “spilling”.  In Tarot of the Spirit it says:

“The Five of Water is the rise of antipathy just when it seemed everything was going well.  You anticipated that you would experience great pleasure at this stage, but there was an unexpected disturbance, and the expected pleasure has been usurped.  As such, you feel a sense of futility and regret.  You feel anger and despair.  Emotional chaos seems to have arisen from somehow not being seen.  You have felt as if you were lost, experiencing an onslaught of transience.  …  There may have been moments when you felt so confused that it seemed like you were controlled by internal destructive forces, forces which seemed too deep to understand.
“You may have found yourself shaking your head and repeating “I don’t know, I don’t know… “ You may have felt like you wanted to cry.  You tried to get someone’s attention.  You have spilled out in all directions.
“When you have spilled everything out, and are right down to the bottom of your cup, you will finally see your own heart reflected.  Then you will see that you based your desire on expectations that had no foundation in reality.  That was the problem.  But you will also see that your heart, at base, is pure and good.  It is full with love, a deep love that longs to flow in the right direction. …
“The challenge of the Five of Water is to establish a new vision of your own power.  It is time to reassess and adjust.  It is time to know and correct any falsities you have programmed into your life and re-establish your connection with the fundamental truth…
“Card symbology: ..  You see the purity of your own heart reflected.  This is the key to understanding that the outcome will be positive.  At the bottom of the cup … the last reservoir, and it is the eternal reservoir of Self-Love.  Here she finds true understanding, but for the moment, that understanding is cut off from relationship.
“ …  The road is a road of healing.  Then you emerge at the top of a lighted hill as in Matthew: “You are like light for the whole world” … In the same way your light must shine.”

Comments from 2012:
“Giraffe” and “Jackal” are used in NonViolent Communication to distinguish compassionate from judgmental language.  Kayla and I had been part of a study group so even though my attempt was halting, she got the message.  Afterward, thinking about it, I realized that the “harshness” that I was interpreting as anger was in fact concern for me.

The synchronicity of the reading for the Five of Water blew me away.  This was a direct message from Spirit.  “Emotional chaos seems to have arisen from somehow not being seen” reflects my being triggered by Paula’s message which resembled things my mother said, that had nothing to do with me at all.  In some ways my deepest wound was not being seen and mirrored accurately, so I still have an incorrect knowledge of my weaknesses and strengths.  “There may have been moments when you felt so confused that it seemed like you were controlled by internal destructive forces, forces which seemed too deep to understand,” describes PTSD very well.  The reassurance that my heart is pure and longs to love, and the need for Self-love, are issues that I have been struggling with for a long time.

What strikes me today, December 15, 2020, is where I say: “it looks like a coping strategy that has served me all my life — being super-responsible — has collapsed and left me without form or structure.  It’s like walls that were holding me up and in have collapsed and I’ve melted and run all over the floor.”  This is very much how I’ve been feeling lately.  I feel lost, and out of control, and very fluid, uncontained.  It’s taking enormous effort to do things I have to do, like take the dog out for a walk — it’s 25° out and I have to put on extra clothing — or make a cup of coffee so I can wake up a little more.  Then there are things I’ve committed to do with and for other people, and I can’t seem to wrap my brain around them and get a grasp on what to do.  It’s not so much a matter of will power, more feeling like skills I used to depend on have vanished.  I have no idea why this has happened, and if I’m losing ground, or moving to something completely new.

I also say “my deepest wound was not being seen and mirrored accurately.”  At that time I knew this intellectually, but had no idea how deep the damage was.

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