Today I had a really hard time. Because of COVID, there are a number of offerings on the internet, talks, webinars, ongoing classes, all of which are of potential interest to me. I start to feel overwhelmed, and then a sort of “false urgency” — that I’ve got to DO SOMETHING! I don’t have any sense of which thing might be appropriate — O gosh I notice my language — “appropriate” — according to whom! Do I feel any desire of the “I want that one” kind?
I also have a practical issue, I should have some insurance that will cover me where Medicare doesn’t. Since my health is pretty good, I don’t want something with a high premium, I’d rather have something with a low premium and a high deductible. I talked to someone who recommended a particular plan, but also sent me a number of different plans. But looking at them, I just got overwhelmed and confused. It was like my brain just couldn’t think. Part of it is that there are so many variables, and I don’t know what half of them are. I feel a sort of frozen panic, and recognize “false urgency.” I HAVE to pick the “right” one.
I was in such a hyper-vigilant state that I couldn’t figure out what to do. It might be a good idea to go outside, walk the dog, but I couldn’t move. Find a way to CALM DOWN!!!! Frantically trying to calm down. But no energy. Finally I lay down with the dog for comfort, and concentrated on breathing slowly. Eventually I calmed down enough to take the dog for a walk in the rain, just the right thing to do.
What’s really horrible about this time of COVID, climate emergency, political idiocy, is the strong sense of MUST DO SOMETHING, and nothing I can do at the moment. If I could do anything at all? I’d be back at Neskaya, with energy to change the decorations, and to put together a series of dances that celebrate diversity, and the life-support system of the earth. That would feel like the right thing to be doing, to be enacting the world we want to see right now. But that’s not an option. I’m too old, don’t have the energy, can’t take care of myself, need help just to survive. And we can’t have dances at Neskaya right now anyway, unless with masks and social distancing. Can’t imagine what that would be like.
So my other choice is to grieve. Grieve the life that I never had enough energy to really live, grieve the suffering of so many people, creatures, and our planet. But grieving properly needs the support of community.
What can I do with what I have left? Thank the trees for taking my carbon dioxide and giving back oxygen. Take care of my little dog. Support my friends when I have the opportunity. Use resources as carefully as possible. Try not to become despairing that, because of COVID, my community is generating an enormous amount of waste that can’t be recycled.