I have been concerned lately about what are the things I would really regret not having done if I died tomorrow. That was the push to get me over the hump to actually write gratitude letters to people I had always meant to write, but kept putting off.
Slightly edited version of what I wrote in my journal this morning.
Once again Erica turned things upside down. I had written my letter to Laura, but was afraid of sending for fear it would be the wrong thing. Erica said when someone remembers something you said, and holds it in their heart for a long time, it gets “seasoned” and more valuable. When you give it back, it is a great gift.
I know the truth of this because I remember when Meaghan came and threw her arms around me and said “Thank you for teaching me that I could learn to dance.” The way she expressed it, that she could learn, it was an ever bigger gift than if she had just said “teach me to dance.” I had helped her overcome some inhibition, perhaps even the result of painful criticism. Learning to dance had done more for Meaghan than just acquiring a new skill, it helped her express her feminine side. When I first met her, she was a “tough dyke,” [please understand that I use the term affectionately] short hair, blue jeans, chain saw. When I saw her at Dance Camp — by that time she had moved away from Franconia and started her own dance circle — she was wearing a long dress, her hair was long and wavy with blonde highlights (absolutely not artificial). I had been watching her and thinking it was wonderful how Circle Dance had transformed Meaghan, when she came up and threw her arms around me. That was how I learned that I had been part of the transformation I was admiring. [Giving expression to her feminine side did not change her sexual orientation, which would never have been my agenda.] But she took the ball I gave her and ran with it. This woman, who had never been out of the country, got herself to Argentina to learn from Friedel Kloke-Eibl who is perhaps the greatest “grandmother” of our sacred circle dance. Freidel came from a ballet background, and her choreographed dances tend to be more graceful and flowing than many traditional dances. I watched Meaghan teach some meditative dances at Neskaya Dance Camp, and her movements were exquisite, her face completely absorbed as though in prayer. My heart feels warm just thinking about it.
So now I puzzle over how did this wonderful piece of feedback get through the dissociative barrier to being able to feel good about myself? [which my mother called “thinking you’re so great”] I remember the time in Karen’s office when I was excitedly telling her about something astronomical, and I saw the words go by, as though drawn by an airplane, “… think you’re so great…” I immediately spoke back to that voice. “I don’t think I’m so great, I think the universe is great.” And I got it that Mother’s attempts to shut me down happened not because I was bragging but because I was enthusiastic about something that excited me. Now I’m thinking that my ability to detach my mother’s words from my feeling of being judged, was at least partly due to Karen. I think of all the times, when I spoke about myself judgmentally, Karen would look around the room and say “How’d she get in here?” And years before that, at a women’s weekend retreat, when I shared about keeping a journal, and then got hugely embarrassed about it — feeling that maybe I shouldn’t have said anything — and the leader asked the group and they said they had been inspired. I remember saying, in tears, “You mean it wasn’t bragging?”
What a long journey I have been on. So much help along the way. I’m sitting here feeling wonderful, my heart is warm and open, I’m feeling gratitude for all the help, and for knowing I have helped others.
Some further comments:
The letter to Laura was a letter to a circle dance teacher to thank her for her teachings, and especially to thank her for something she had said to me at a hard time. My fear that I would somehow say it wrong is a basic fear that I have about saying almost anything directly to someone unless I feel very safe with them.
Laura Shannon has also written an article about her own experience of Trauma Healing through Communal Dance.
I was unable to find information about Freidel Kloke-Eibl that was not in German, so here is a YouTube video of a dance she choreographed.