Van der Kolk “The big issue for traumatized people is they don’t own themselves any more. Any loud sound, anybody insulting them, hurting them, saying bad things, can hijack them away from themselves. And so what we have learned is that what makes you resilient to trauma is to own yourself fully.” Interview with Krista Tippett, in Becoming Wise, p88.
Yesterday, while walking my dog with a friend walking her dog, and doing our best to stay more than 6 feet apart, I totally lost it. We walk the dogs in a large park where we can let them off leash. Usually it works fine and gives them a chance to get more exercise. But Mocha got interested in another dog, and went up toward the highway, ignoring my calls. My friend called her dog, who came right back. But Mocha paid no attention. Sometimes if I walk away from her fast, she’ll come after me, but yesterday she was paying no attention to me at all. I got totally freaked out and began to cry. I could feel that all the strength drained out of my body. When Mocha did come back, I just kept crying.
I think this is the “collapse phase” which happens when the organism has concluded that death is imminent. The fifth stage in trauma: Alert —> fight —> flee —> freeze —> collapse It happens to me when I feel so completely helpless. Even though death doesn’t seem reasonable, after all I’m healthy, have a safe place to live, there’s nothing dangerous in my immediate environment — to a baby, because it’s helpless, when it’s alone death is always imminent.
My friend keeps telling me that I’m not firm enough when I call Mocha. I know this, and occasionally I can do it, but often even my best try sounds tentative rather than firm. It’s like I don’t feel that I have the right to command my dog. I think this is what Van der Kolk means by “not owning” myself.