(Written in August 2008 and originally posted on March 16, 2010)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, it’s been a very stressful time, and I feel totally out of touch with Spirit. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you. Take flower remedies. Yes, you have impossibly high expectations of your own performance, and traumatized fear of what will happen if you don’t do it “right”. Of course you’re upset and triggered. There, there, dear. Yes, an appointment with Karen would be a good idea. Your feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness are triggered from your childhood. This is how you felt growing up in your family with parents who were badly prepared to raise children and crippled by alcoholism. You could see that things were very wrong, but you had no examples of how it could be done well, how children could be raised in a healthy and functional manner. There was no one you could trust, or lean on, or ask for guidance and support. So you “soldiered on.” It’s the only thing you know how to do. And when things get tough, it’s your default mechanism, it’s what you fall into easily — it’s the only coping skill you have when you get triggered into the past. Unfortunately, it cuts you off from other people, from the help and support that is there for you. You don’t ask for it because you learned from your parents not to “burden” other people with your difficulties. So you “soldier on”, use up your reserves of energy, and then collapse. This is your life. This does not mean that you aren’t doing good work for the world you love. Despite your wounds, you continue to hold a vision of peace and love, kindness and cooperation, sustainability and justice. You continue to do your best to act out of kindness not anger, out of love and vision, not fear. Yes, you get tired. But you do not quit. We love you and we are so proud of you.
Thank you. I’m sitting here in tears, my armor has softened, everything relaxing and resting on the earth. This is what I needed to hear from Mom & Dad, or teachers, or that older & wiser person I keep wishing I had to turn to.
Comment from present day: in 2008 I was going through a breakdown. I had noticed that I went though a breakdown every twelve years since 1972. 1984, 1996, 2008. Twelve years is the time it takes Jupiter to go through the whole zodiac. In the years when I had breakdowns, Jupiter was opposed my natal Jupiter in Cancer. This year, 2020, is the next in the series. I have worried about a possible breakdown this year. Jupiter is at opposition to my natal Jupiter (the position of Jupiter in my birth chart) for a few days in February. I have been going back and looking at my journal for 2008 to see how things happened.