Seeing my Life Whole

from my journal for November 11

On the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, the Great War came to an end.  But the war in Afghanistan is still going on. and it’s just part of the unending war.

The most important thing yesterday was Meeting.  I was able to sink deeply into the Silence.  I felt held in love by the Good Being, and I was holding all I love at the same time.  I thought about my life, the life that was “smashed before I ever opened the package,” and I saw myself holding this incredibly rich woven together construction of all the pieces.  I am so grateful.  Wash after wash of gratitude.

I realize that holding my life in my arms and feeling so grateful does not change my wish to die sooner rather than later.  My life doesn’t feel like a chore — right now, I suppose that could come back — instead it feels like a huge work of art, or a pilgrimage, and it’s finished.

Journal for November 13

I know what it is — my life is complete — it’s not finished, it won’t be finished until I die — but all the pieces are there, and they are all incorporated.

This is all the fruit of my pilgrimage to Portland to be present at that strange event, which can’t really be named — which was a weaving together of lives and processes, an invocation of powers and a willingness to offer ourselves to their process.  I came out stronger, and in the last month — the last cycle of the moon — I’ve circled the field of my life, and seen it Whole.  It’s more than fitting the pieces back together, the way they were supposed to be.  “The fairest destiny [for any life would be that it should]  point the way to a larger and more comprehensive” [life].  I am so grateful, so grateful.  For the shattering that allowed me to have a larger life, for all the gifts of time and money and good education, and help along the way, and for my own persistence in keeping going, for my fierce, uncompromising, commitment to Truth, for my willingness to feel intense, intolerable pain.  The song in my head is “I say grace.”  “I say grace for the blue painted sky … when I look back on the road that I’ve travelled down, I say grace.”

That “strange event”— the Night of Grief and Mystery that I shared with Stephen, Gregory, the band, the people sitting around me, and everybody else that was there.

The Moon is a very important being in my life.  I look for it every day when there’s clear sky, I follow the phases and know when and where to look — if the moon is waning, look in the morning.  Sometimes I think I live in the solar system, not in some specific place on the Planet Earth.

“The field of my life” see Regrets.

The quote that I’ve modified is my favorite quote from Einstein:  “The fairest destiny that could be allotted to any physical theory would be that it should, of itself, point the way to a larger and more comprehensive theory, in which it lives on as a limiting case.”  I memorized it long ago, perhaps it changed a little, don’t remember where I read it.

The actual quote from Wikipedia:

  • No fairer destiny could be allotted to any physical theory, than that it should of itself point out the way to the introduction of a more comprehensive theory, in which it lives on as a limiting case.
  • Über die spezielle und die allgemeine Relativitätstheorie (1920) Tr. Robert W. Lawson, Relativity: The Special and General Theory (1920) pp. 90-91.

A “limiting case” means that it is still true, but only works in a limited arena, say only for objects bigger than grapes but smaller than planets.

The song in my head is “I say grace.”   I Say Grace is a song that Stefan Freedman choreographed a circle dance to, so I have it on a CD.

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