Woke with a jolt of fear. Last night was the start of a Sufi Retreat at Neskaya. When we went around the circle saying our names and what we hoped to get out of the retreat, I stumbled around, finally said I wanted to be more connected to Spirit to help me handle my pain about what’s happening in the world. A woman across the circle said something similar, she spoke specifically about the disaster in the Gulf, and then said she wanted “solace and courage.” Yes, that’s exactly what I want. Thank you.
I’m at Neskaya and I continue to be scared. We did the first prayer session and are waiting for breakfast. In one prayer about “the friend”, I was able to feel a helpful being at my side, giving me loving support. I’m trying to offer my fear as prayer, I’m asking that god’s will be done, and please god show me your will (I hear the voice saying “You’re doing it, you built and endowed this space, and still care for it, fill it with your love, and you are present with your vulnerable heart and your grief. There is nothing more that you have to do. Yes, it’s true that when you are were feeling better, it felt good to “get things done”, but that’s not necessary. And of course it feels better to be without fear and despair, you’d like to be feeling that way again. Dear, you will feel that way again, this fear is just another opportunity to comfort the traumatized baby.”) (Thank you)
I had no idea that the Sufis were so emphatic about finding the voice of god within. That was very validating and comforting.
When I’m feeling OK, not depressed or terrified, I feel extraordinarily lucky that I managed to do exactly what I came into this lifetime to do. I didn’t know it before I built Neskaya, in fact I was terrified the whole time we were building, but it has become abundantly clear that God designed me to be a Circle Dance teacher, and gave me the money to build a sacred space for dance. I’m so grateful!