I want to write — I guess it’s a “statement of faith” — my story about the universe and my life that gives me something to hold on to while I go through this rocky time. “Rocky time”? This is nothing compared to what I’ve been through in the past, but now that I’ve had a long time of feeling good, and confident, and being able to get things done that used to be so hard (like work in the garden) I want to be like that again.
Describe “rocky time” — I’m scared and sad a lot (certainly easier to handle than terror and depression), I’m not comfortable in my body or in my life. Odd and uncomfortable bits of memory surface, like pieces of songs from the 50s. I think they are flashbacks to childhood, and I’m caught in an alcoholic nightmare where all the edges are a little blurry and there’s nothing strong and solid to hold on to.
I really do believe — even when I can’t feel it — that the core of the universe is creative love, and that this creative love exists in every grain of matter and all the space between. That this creative love budded off a part of itself and became me, because I was needed by the Totality. That just as I am, I am thoroughly and completely loved, I don’t need to do anything more to “deserve” this love. God doesn’t think my life has been wasted at all. God has used me to do many things — like Journey into Courage — that have helped change the lives of people in good ways — and I don’t begin to know what those are because I don’t see them, except every now and then when someone tells me. I have been lucky enough to do something really big and visible, which I know without question was what I “came into this life to do”, which is the creation of Neskaya — a sacred space, a “healing sanctuary” — which I created out of my love for the folk dances and circle dances and wanting to share them. Another part of my life has been the work to heal trauma. I believe that trauma was necessary for my life’s task because what I do is shamanic work and trauma was my shamanic ordeal. It prevented me from “succeeding” in conventional ways and forced me to find the things that meant enough to me to keep going despite despair and terror. The work I do in this realm does not just heal my own psyche, it also changes the human energy field to make such healing more available for everyone.